Johnya in

Ruth Williams Ball Allen

2012-01-21T00:51:00.002-07:00

On January 10th my sweet Grandma Allen passed, only a month away from her 92nd birthday. With a five week old Oliver and tight finances due to maternity pay a last minute trip to SL for the funeral did not happen. It was a difficult decision to make, but I recognized that Oliver's health and our finances took priority. I had the desire to place all practical considerations aside and make the trip. Since making my decision to stay home my mind has been occupied with the tradition of funerals and their place in the grieving process (something to discuss later). My main concern in not attending the funeral was not being able to honor publicly, and with others, the memory of my Grandmother and providing my family emotional support.

Of course my presence wasn't the only way in which I could provide emotional support to family members but I saw it as a significant gesture at such a momentous time. And the best place to remember the life of my Grandma would have been at the funeral surrounded by those remaining friends and family who knew her best. So in an effort to supplement the funeral in my own grieving process and more importantly to honor my Grandmother's memory I thought to make a simple list of things that reminded me of her and a few of the memories associated with those things.

1. Watching "I Love Lucy" marathons on Nick-at-Night during the summer.

2. Late night top ramen with vitamin D milk (something that was rarely found at home, especially late at night).

3. The movie "Big Business" and Bette Midler music.

4. The song "My Blue Heaven". As a child I would spend a couple weeks each summer out "at the Ranch" with my Grandma. One summer I asked her nightly to sing to me the song, as I put it, "with the fireplace and staircase". On the last evening of the trip my Grandmother successfully pieced together the patchy information that my six year old mind could recall and was able to sing me the song.

5. David Letterman. Evenings spent in my teen and young adult years at my Grandmother's home were filled with the same comment at 11:00 p.m., which was "I don't know why I watch that awful old man and his show - but I do".

6. Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving at my Grandma's meant "petite shou" as a staple side dish, and immediately following dinner the family gathering around in the living room while my Dad busted out the dusty slide rounds and the 1960 projector screen and one of my cousins asking "who is that man" and another responding "oh, that's the gardener" - a term of endearment used to identify my Grandpa; and subsequently my Grandmother saying with part honesty and part mock frustration in regards to my Grandpa passing "oh that man - how could he leave me out here to rot in this red dirt" (a reference to the red rocks prevalent in the Uintah Basin).

7. Visiting my Grandma at my Aunt Laurie's home and my Dad teasing them with mocking disdain when he found her in a silk robe (the 1960 glamour type) by asking if she had enjoyed herself watching soap operas and eating bon-bons all day. And her good-nature laugh and "yes" in response.

8. There's a phrase that refers to dancing when no one is looking. My Grandma however lived by the mantra to dance only when others were looking. At random moments my Grandma would break into song and dance much to the chagrin of my teenage cousins. I'm sure I would have joined their camp had I not been nine + years their junior. I was always mesmerized and enjoyed my Grandmother's attention grabbing performances.

9. Hearing my Grandmother's trilling call "Yooouuu-whooooo" (ended with a slight vibrato) in public places when attempting to call someone's attention.

10. Extended family functions with my Great Aunts, Great Uncles, and second cousins always meant you could count on an impromptu musical number. My Uncle Jay was the Harry Connick Jr. voice and my Aunt Naine was the composing/piano playing genius. And my Grandmother . . . she and her commentary were the 1960's glamour that attended those performances.

Much of these things must mean little to those who didn't know her as I feel that my words do little justice to describe who she was. But I loved her and I could never hide a bad day from her. I used to wonder as a child if she could read my mind. I love her and will miss her dearly.

Small and Wonderful

2012-01-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

Oliver Joseph Gough

December 7, 2011

12:25 a.m.

D&C 64:33-34:

Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.

Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind; and the willing and obedient shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days.

I've been pondering this scripture lately and its many applications. Recently I've thought upon how it relates to the miracle of pregnancy and birth. Over the past eight months I would respond without hesitation to the question of how pregnancy was treating me by expressing how things were going well and how it was difficult to believe there was actually a baby growing inside my belly. Understandably, most people appeared reluctant to believe me, but I truly felt this way - although not because I didn't have any complaints as I'm sure my husband could attest to very well. My response lacked clarity in expressing my exact situation, however it was the best way I could think of to describe in words how I felt about the situation I was experiencing - one in which I never failed to see, in my mind, as the miracle of pregnancy and birth.

The gestation process that occurs over nine months seems relatively benign without the insight that modern medicine provides. Without going into obvious detail, you do what couples have been doing since the beginning of time, you begin to feel ill (for three months or more), you gain weight and the discomforts that go along with that, you feel movement inside of you (which is pretty miraculous), and eventually you begin contracting and start the birthing process. And then BAM! All of a sudden there's another living being in the world!

Being pregnant was exhausting and there were definite times of hardship, but each day when I took a bite to eat or laid my head down to rest I knew I was laying a foundation of a great work. Such small everyday things lead to something, someone so incredibly miraculous and wonderful! There are times where these small everyday things don't have the desired outcome, but it makes me believe even more fully that bringing children into this world is a joint effort between husband, wife, and our Heavenly Father. And John and I are so very grateful for the opportunity to have little Oliver as a part of our family.

I'd like to write out my birth story to keep a record for myself - to not forget the details. But I feel like it warrants a separate post. So that will be forthcoming if TMI isn't an issue.

Almost December!

2011-11-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

Time has definitely flown by and I feel like a lot has happened, although it may not seem that way to the outside eye.

As most our friends and family are aware, we are preparing to meeting our little baby boy Oliver come January 9th. The past 7.5 months seem like a distant memory and the next 1.5 months don't seem possible. It is as if I've been in a constant state of shock and I have to tell myself - that yes, the movement you feel and see is an actual baby.

The past week I've allowed my anxiety to stew as I contemplate how unprepared I am for everything. I don't have a bag packed for the hospital, we haven't installed a car seat, we haven't interviewed pediatricians, I haven't written a birth plan, heck - I haven't even written a list of all the things I need to do to before the baby comes!

And stewing lately has lead to anxiety spirals. My non-pregnant self would ignore, for an appropriate amount of time, any A-type personality concerns and address them within a comfortable timing. Now, things tend to mount and explode with me whining to John about a plethora of unrelated issues that for some undefinable reason need to be resolved immediately, if not instantly. What I'll do is, waddle over to the bed where John is relaxing and voice the following, "John, I feel icky . . . my back hurts, my feet are swollen, the birds are annoying, and we don't have a car seat installed yet". And I'll look at him . . . and wait. He then offers a logical solution, which I instantaneously forget and then begin another similar tirade.

Overall though, this pregnancy has gone well. The exception would be that I now am considered a gestational diabetic, the first three months I experienced consistent nausea and vomiting, and I at one point, around five months pregnant, fell and . . . somewhat rolled downhill. It involved empathy for a bored dog, a morning jog in cowboy boots, and a little dog's fascinatingly perfect memory of every single place he has seen our neighbor's cat. It also involved him stopping instantly without warning, as he does any time he passes one of the cat-sighting locations, to stare for a good minute to see if there is any cat-like movement in the area. I unfortunately do not have as good of a memory as Sparky.

Having gestational diabetes has one good aspect in that I get ultrasounds fairly often to monitor the size and health of the baby. At 32 weeks he was doing very well and weighed in the 36th percentile. The ultrasound technician had the following three things to say: 1. "The baby wears blue pants . . . um, yeah . . . he is definitely a boy", 2. "He is very active", and 3. "your diabetes hasn't effected him yet". She actually said quite a bit more about the baby and his health, but those three things definitely soothed quite a bit of our fears (the baby not being a boy wasn't a concern - but all the boy preparations possibly being done in vain were).

The technician also mentioned how much hair he had - and deep down inside I was happy about that. And then instead of letting good feeling sit there deep down inside I repeated it over and over again to John and mentioned how "when I was born I had a lot of hair". I wish I had easy access to our baby photos because you'd be able to see the difference between John and me. John was a cute and solid gerber-type baby with a fine fuzz of light hair and with his photo showing him sitting upright without any assistance and looking poignantly at the camera. When looking at my baby photo you notice how I had been slowly sliding into my own baby flub, making the consistency of my little baby body look like Jabba the Hut. I was giving the camera a look that seemed to say "is this really how this body of mine is supposed to work". However I did have one fine head of thick black hair that stood straight up a good four to five inches.

Yesterday I really enjoyed and felt the spirit of Thanksgiving as I reflected on how much John and I have to be grateful for. I never really gave much thought to Thanksgiving growing up. I enjoyed being around family for the holidays and yet I tended to associate the day with heavy and/or dry foods I wasn't fond of, a long and boring day with everyone taking a nap, and people feeling forced to share their very personal feelings of gratitude without any real context. I wanted to be out and doing things with family instead. Maybe this year my feelings of gratitude only happened to coincide with Thanksgiving as it seems that I cycle through feelings of gratitude and forgetting how much I have to be thankful for.

I've made it a point in my mind that gratitude is meant to be felt (recognized) daily, but it isn't always easy to put it into practice. Yet at this particular point in time, John and I are really grateful for where we are in our lives and the good people who support us. As corny as it sounds I like the phrase our "cup runneth

However, as doors of opportunity begin to open please keep us in your prayers that they continue to do so.

Something to say . . .

2011-11-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

Written in August:

So do you see that side bar with our life plan all neatly displayed? Our expectations and hopes were pretty average - marry, move to NY for school, move to Paris for research, get a dog, have a kid, buy a house eventually, and retire at a comfortable age. We also realized how amazing it would be if if it all played out that way. But I guess life wouldn't be interesting if you didn't get a curve ball every once in a while. And in fact, this curve ball was a long time coming. John has decided to resign as a Ph.D. candidate from NYU's French Literature program.

As mentioned, this was something John had contemplated for a long time - more than a year even. And yet John and I are still in shock over our carefully deliberated change of course. I look at that sidebar and think of how it was a little smug of me to display our ten year plan so publicly. I guess I could just chock it up to naivete and the fact that I was excited for what we had in store.

Right now, we're still in the process of figuring out where our next step will be placed. Without revealing too much, I have to say that it's frightening. And yet the conditions, the environment, and the timing have all allowed for us to possibly attempt something we may have only dreamed of doing. But to reiterate, the details aren't entirely clear yet. We have a vague framework outlined in our minds as to how things could possibly work out. And I'll repeat again - it's scary.

Uncertainty and possible instability are frightening thoughts for someone like John and me - and the next path that we may possibly choose to take seems to incorporate all such attributes. Although many have tried to dissuade John against what may seem like an aggressive and quick decision - those decisions are based surely upon what we know we want. And I suppose that surety of desire, combined with prayer, personal revelation, and the right circumstances makes for as much certainty than any other path could provide. Which has become glaringly obvious to me in the fact that we thought we had our ten year plan figured out and after two years in NY our lives have already totally shifted. And to add to that - it wasn't forced upon John at all. Thankfully, John was never asked to resign and even did well in his program - and thankfully left the program on good terms with his fellow colleagues and professors.

I suppose the way I speak of John's resignation makes it seem as if our lives have been totally turned upside down. But really things are pretty much the same. I continue to work and we continue to live our lives as we did before. But what makes it so much more worth it for me is to see how relieved and happy John has been since he has resigned. I will admit that the night I came home and John told me he was going to resign my world did tilt a little. I knew his thoughts and feeling already - but such finality made my head spin. But after a day or two, and time spent in the temple I knew that it was the right choice for John and ultimately our family.

Two months have passed since that night and things still feel and logistically seem right. And I'm almost to the point where I'm happy to know that life will be throwing me curve balls. Instead of taking excitement in what I think I know will happen, I'm excited to know that when I reach the end of my life I'll have something interesting to say. Whether we are shrouded in worldly success at the end of this journey doesn't really matter. What will matter is that when I think about this time of our life I will know that John left his program without any regrets and that his life was altered for the better and happier by resigning.

Eat. Pray. Love

2011-05-07T09:15:00.003-06:00

Do you know that person who despairs stubbornly that there is no point to love because everything falls apart, decays, changes? I imagine dark romantics lie in angst over these thoughts and are the ones that write movies like Rebecca or Eat, Pray, Love.

Lately I've noticed that this theme of anguish appears more frequently through my daily interactions, if in a more subtle way. Living in New York is a different experience from visiting New York. I knew this before I moved here, but I didn't know the exact details of why. I still haven't figured it out completely yet. And there are days when it's difficult to separate what's them and what's me that is at fault for making New York the you-know-what that it can be. And when I think about New York, I usually come to the conclusion that the proximity to so many other people is the cause for all the ugly scenes I see. Of course I know that such logic isn't exactly true, not true at all in fact - but I do know that if I got away from here I wouldn't be exposed to it nearly as much.

And that "it" is what really is the problem. Pride and selfishness really are the root to so many problems - and it's everywhere, not just in New York where you can't run away from it. It's in Eat, Pray, Love, it's in the windows of Anthropologie, and it's most definitely within me.

There's this dilemma however, and it seems boring to rehash - but worth it. These people who claim that they can't trust or love because things change or decay are either hiding behind fear, pride-selfishness, or both. I can sympathize with fear. I can relate to pride and selfishness. I just don't enjoy hearing this theme used without contest through so much of the entertainment or news I watch,listen to, or read.

When I thought about marriage today I thought about how true romance isn't living life from one person to the next - or even choosing to be alone. I thought most people knew that happiness and marriage are things worked for. But the divorce rate between amicable parties shows something different entirely. If it isn't easy and if it doesn't fit right - why keep it? I know I'm in the minority when I say that this logic saddens me.

I don't know how to say it eloquently, but happiness doesn't come from expecting someone else to make you happy. I don't think happiness even comes from telling yourself that you love you no matter who you are. I think happiness comes from small but meaningful and responsible choices and actions to serve and live righteously. And I think true romance in marriage comes when you devote yourself entirely to a life such as that.

The feeling of love that I had for John when we first married is different from what it is now. The longer our relationship is, the more meaningful we make it, the more willing we are to forgive one another or to put aside our own wants and needs, the more capable I am of defining what love is.

I understand that feelings fade over time. They do decay - and sometimes we hold on to the remains of those feelings. I certainly have before. However with John, my attitude has been different. From the beginning I realized how sacred and serious in nature the commitment I made to my husband and my Heavenly Father would be. I was actually in anguish over this fact for quite a while. And not because I didn't love John. But because I also believed in what people said in the movies about how to handle a love that fades away. Similar thoughts expressed in the lyrics of Bruno Mars's horrified and yet comforted me:

Let’s just run girl.
If we wake up and you wanna break up that’s cool.
No, I won’t blame you;
It was fun girl.

Now such lyrics only horrify me - especially since John and I have lived our commitment for one another. And as a blessing, our choices have testified to the beauty of what true romance can be . . . and will be when we're two old farts sitting on porch sipping lemonade.

To say I had a fear of commitment is an understatement.

Julia Roberts didn't need to travel the world to learn to love herself or to learn how to overcome her fear of commitment. Although the idea of running away in the hopes that a change of environment would change what's inside is always an enticing thought . . and I think even helps sometimes. Yet, I still think it comes down to whether or not you are willing to give up your pride/selfishness and to devote yourself to serving.

If I want to be happy in my marriage, to have romance, to be happy about living wherever I am - I have to give my seat up to the elderly man on the train, I have to forgive the lady that shoves into me on purpose while walking by, I have to do my best to serve my husband, and I also have to forget the person at work who sarcastically mocks me for doing my job.

This is all obvious to many wonderful people I know. But it feels good to say (write) that I too believe it and that - yes - living it has brought me happiness.

Liz Lemon + Chris Traeger

2011-05-05T14:29:00.003-06:00

Did you know that Parks and Recreation is now the new 30 rock?

I'm just making stuff up, I have no idea of what is popular.

I bring it up only because John used to call me Liz Lemon and then he changed his mind. He actually made me watch the episode "Flu Season" to demonstrate how similar I am to the character of Rob Lowe.

I don't know how I feel about that or if I care - but these two clips are pretty hilarious.

Threats of a Kind

2011-05-05T13:18:00.002-06:00

Stupidity can take many different shapes and forms.

And in all honesty, I hate the word "stupid".

So instead I'll call it "against better judgement".

The nature of my crime relates to working against better judgment.

Friday I became ill and had symptons of a sore throat and dizziness. These symptons continued through Monday.

Tuesday and Wednesday I began running a high fever and having cold sweats.

I assumed that I must be near the end of the virus as four days had already passed. So I decided I should restart my more physically demanding activities.

Sooooo. I woke up at 6am, went to work, and decided to run from work on 70th and York Avenue along the East river to East 8th St. at NYU - in 56 degree weather, in the rain. During which time I stopped at a Duane Reade to pick up a pack of tissues - which were gone by the time six miles was up.

John and I then headed home and I began to clean - until midnight.

I kept telling myself this wasn't anything difficult or out of the ordinary.

And now I feel like a cat has clawed it's way down my throat.

It's okay.

With this is mind the best course of action would be to head straight home, lie in bed, sleep and drink plenty of fluids.

My plans for today include the following:

Rush over to 42nd st.: pick up check and deposit.

Take Sparky on a walk.

Go shopping with friend.

Go to gym with friend: run at least 4 miles and do weights.

When I re-read the list above I actually thought of how pathetic of a list it was. I still don't get it!

Tomorrow I have plans to do a massive grocery excursion (which will take me more than two hours) and begin food preparation for Saturday dinner, a Mother's Day dinner for the in-laws, Monday breakfast for the in-laws, Monday dinner, and dinner for the Donovans (they just had a baby) - oh and preparing my lunch for the next week.

John is gone with his parents to Hill Cumorah until Sunday. No one is here to stop me! Please send me threats to lay down and rest and make resting sound like fun rather than extremly boring.

Saturday

2011-04-30T15:06:00.004-06:00

Today:

Sparky decided to sound his wake-up whine-alarm an hour earlier than usual, at 5:00 am. Saturday is a special day for everyone.

My throat was exceptionally hoarse and painful.

I cancelled three of my classes for today. It took me an hour of deliberation to recognize that it was the responsible thing to do. Even though I'd much rather have taught.

Discovered that the pink pad (all the rest are black) on Spartacus's front right paw is an additional pad - making him some kind of weird mutant freak. But we already knew that.

John installed our new air conditioner today. Although we've lost some light I'm still glad to know that I won't die in my sleep of heat stroke.

John offered to do the grocery shopping today and I panicked. I really hate going to Costco when it's crowded (which it always is). It takes a half an hour to drive there, people steal your parking spot, and within the first stretch past the electronics isle at least three people cut you off and one person shoves you. There's utter mayhem at the produce and cheese isles. And forget about the sampling stations - there will be a line of middle-aged, middle-class citizens waiting for a bite of tortellini as if it were their last hope for survival. And yet, I still panicked when I thought about not going. John will buy what we need, but I worry, just like the people at the sampling station - that it will be my last opportunity to shop for food before the Apocalypse.

But I'm sick, so I stayed home. And I'm inside, on a beautiful sunny day.

However, I did take Sparky on his mid-day walk in my purple hiking shoes, light blue sweats, pink hoodie, and new sunglasses. My neighbor told me I looked like the unabomber ("UNiversity and Airline BOMber" . . . apparently). I didn't really care.

The lilacs are out and smell wonderful. So are the magnolias and tulips. I'm so happy that Spring is here.

day 10

2011-03-14T22:22:00.004-06:00

day 10: a person you love

how could I not love this man?

he was my first and he is my only love.

the longer we're married the more I learn about love.

i am completely devoted to him.

if I could, I would go back to the time when I was engaged and concerned about the meaning of love. i would tell myself to trust my feelings for him and to enjoy taking that leap.

one of my strongest desires and goals in life is to continue to grow together with my husband, to learn to serve him, and to remember that it has gotten better and will only continue to be more rewarding.

day 9

2011-03-14T22:18:00.006-06:00

day 9: a place you love

COSTA RICA

It's absolutely beautiful there. I haven't seen enough of the world to make a fair comparison but I still love it and want to take John there one day. This was my favorite place, although the photo doesn't do it justice.

*I never realized that the humidity made my hair look like a wig. Unfortunately it was for realz.

day 8

2011-03-14T22:14:00.003-06:00

day 8: hobby of yours

dance

This is pretty obvious. It's a little more than a hobby though. Dance has played different roles in my life from my passion and dream, to a recreational activity, to a job, and at times a curse. The moment I think that I can let go and put it behind me and label it as a part of 'that period of my life' . . . the desire creeps back into my life.

In fact, I just started a dance school here on Staten Island. I avoided it at first because we may only be here for the next year or two until John decides where it is best to do his research. But with the encouragement and interest of friends, my job situation, and missing the reward of teaching I decided to start something small. I currently have three classes enrolled with students - a pre-ballet, creative dance, and beginning hip hop class. I've enjoyed putting together the lesson plans and am looking forward to working hard with my new students!

And once my ankle is fully healed I'll start occasional lessons and auditions. I can't wait, even if I'm a little apprehensive as it's been a few months since I've taken a class. Yikes.

Another hobby I've taken to in the absence of dancing is running. I'm horrible at it but it feels great to run five miles (a lot for this beginning runner) and feel as if you could go for ten more.

And another hobby I've taken to since marrying is reading recipes. I've collected enough recipes to never, ever, need to buy another cookbook. I know it sounds odd . . . and it is actually. But it's partially due to my laziness that I don't carry through on actually cooking/baking the recipe and partially due to the fact that a lot of the ingredients aren't in my cupboard. I like to compare recipes for the same dish. I want to some day be an amazing cook. So I figured if I memorize the standard or foundational ingredients to my favorite dishes I can take it from there and add my own style. I also like reading about flavors and cooking techniques. If you need a recipe for a certain dish - I've got it. I probably also have at least five different variations on it. I got ya covered.

day 7

2011-03-14T22:05:00.005-06:00

day 7: an animal you would love to keep as a pet.

A lion. Because they are awesome. Whenever I watch Nature, lions always appear so serene and regal. They lounge about in the grass without a care in the world. Then the scene changes and it's all raw power and they're pounding the Saharan ground with some sort of mad fierceness.

day 6

2011-03-14T21:49:00.006-06:00

day 6: your celebrity crush

Huh, so I also had to resort to googling for this one. I tried 2010 best looking celebs and found nothing.

Then I thought about classic actors like Jeremy Brett when he plays Freddy on My Fair Lady. Or even Robert Downy Jr. before he went into rehab. Not current enough though.

But, I then remembered how much I love Star Trek. Especially the new movie series (that's right! they're coming out with a sequel in 2012). So there it is. My so-called celebrity crush.

day 5

2011-03-14T21:46:00.003-06:00

day 5: your parents

The most kind and giving parents.

My parents are both amazingly talented.

My Dad is compassionate and an out-of-the-box thinker and my

Mother is my best example of courage and consistency.

I love them and look up to them.

day 4

2011-03-14T21:45:00.002-06:00

day 4: meaning behind your blog name

John + Tanya = Johnya

day 3

2011-03-14T21:19:00.003-06:00

day 3: pet peeves

I couldn't think of any pet peeves so I googled it to see if I could gather some ideas.

I found the wikipedia definition (the most reliable of course): A pet peeve (or pet hate) is a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to him or her, to a greater degree than others may find it.

Then I found a list of pet peeves. The first that I related to was the following, "Parents who bring their young kids to R rated films". Then I thought, shouldn't this bother most people? The type of material in an R rated film generally isn't the best for children to be exposed to just yet. They don't even have the capacity to rationalize the violence, vulgarity, sexuality that they are seeing.

Then again I hear Mothers scream all manner of profanities at their 2 year old for fumbling over themselves trying to get on the bus . . . and then they yell at everyone else for being horrified at their behavior. I think I found an annoyance, but not a pet peeve because I like to assume that everyone else would be annoyed by that. Even those that profess that vulgar language has no meaning or harm don't usually use it around children. That has to mean something right?

I used to hate this: Students who prolong class by asking the most inane questions.

Going through the drive thru, then having to go back when they screw your order up.

By the way, this site is called getannoyed.com. It totally follows through cause I'm gettin' annoyed!

Living in NY provides me with ample opportunity with this one: Whenever anyone says "Ya, know what I'm sayin"...

People that snoop.

I thought of one on my own! When someone asks you a question. You answer. And then the person next to you gives the exact same answer - acting as if it were entirely different! C'mon now!

Dirty keyboards.

Someone standing over my shoulder reading the computer screen.

When you bite into a jelly bean and it's a different flavor than what you thought it was.

Being the first one at any party.

The Pirates of the Carribbean series.

Websites with horizontal scrolling.

Consistent heavy metal music without any lyrics.

Yeah, this list could go on. It was fun to see all the things on the list that I do myself . . . or would like to do. Kind of like this one: whenever someone flips the light switch on say "and let there be light". Ha!

day 2

2011-03-14T20:52:00.005-06:00

day 2: favorite movie

When I was a kid I loved Bette Midler and I loved Lily Tomlin.

I loved Big Business.

I loved All of Me and Roxanne.

I also loved Bette Midler's music . . .

From a Distance

Chapel of Love

The Rose.

I remember driving back to Salt Lake with my Grandma and loving Bette Midler's music.

I love to remember that she later gave me a mixed tape with her music on it.

I still love it!

Dirty secrets.

day 1

2011-03-14T19:18:00.007-06:00

When you were a kid did you hate chain mail that everyone was sending around? Yeah, I thought so. Well, I didn't. I loved them. I bought into them with all the gullible-ness that I had stored within my dweeby teenage body. But it's also the reason why I still love silly things like online personality quizzes. And it's also the reason why I decided to go along and do this 30 day blog post thing. So here goes.

day 1: recent picture of yourself and 5 interesting facts about your day.

I don't have any recent photos by myself. This was taken at the Macy's day parade waiting in the cold eating my MacDos. Luckily I was sitting over a subway vent. Which would disgust me any other day, but I was so cold I didn't care.

Five interesting things about today? Hmm, this may be difficult.

1. John and I attempted a day long BOM read-a-thon.

2. John and I made a makeshift reading fort filled with lots of comforters.

3. Barnabus the bird got his head stuck in his water dish. Also, while I was singing in the kitchen Barnabus chirped back in response. I don't have a great singing voice so it made me happy.

4. John and I tag teamed with each other to play catch and chase with Sparky. And we decided that when we die we'll pay for driving Sparky insane and be given payback in the form of being chased back and forth by big dogs. Sparky really loves it though.

5. John and I will probably continue our tradition of binge t.v. watching tonight. Our netflix subscription has given us free reign. We're currently watching Reaper. It reminds us of Buffy.

I guess that was kind of interesting. To me at least.

The One Month Challenge Continues

2011-03-14T18:50:00.004-06:00

So this diet thing has been hard . . . and the first day isn't even over yet. Luckily if I distract myself for longer than fifteen minutes I usually forget about the craving for a few hours. I have a terrible short-term memory.

I'm supposed to do cardio five times a week and it's already 9pm. I'm thinking this will be a Tuesday to Saturday thing. Lately I've been running more than I ever have. I'm pretty excited about it. The other day when I told John that I was going to the gym he provokingly said to run 8 miles. So I did . . . kind of. I did 3 miles on the elliptical at an 8:30 minute mile and then 5 miles at a 10:30 minute mile on the treadmill. And I still felt good afterwards, except for some joint pain. This week I think I'll try to alternate between 4 miles and 8 miles. I'd like to get to the point where running 4 miles a day is the norm.

For the past couple of years I've been buying madras lentils from tasty bite. They're a healthy vegetarian option with sugar found naturally in the other ingredients. I'm thinking about buying one of their combo kits that sell around $90.00 for 30 items. With the madras lentils I usually only have one out of the two servings. It would be a great deal to buy the combo kit to eat over the next month or to even keep as 3-month food storage.

Tut has been doing well and dealing with snack attacks by stuffing face with grapes and celery. I'm glad that she's motivated to do this as well. Otherwise I would have given up a few hours ago.

So that's the update. I may just make it to the end of the week! I'm convincing myself that the key to success in all of this is preparation. So I've put together a shopping list from a bunch of healthy Martha Stewart recipes I found online. If I have a lot of food options I more than likely will not panic and give into cravings. But as I said, it's only a theory.

More to come.

Major New Study of Religion Has Much to Say About Mormons

2011-03-11T15:17:00.000-07:00

Major New Study of Religion Has Much to Say About Mormons

One Month Challenge

2011-03-10T17:21:00.002-07:00

Tut (my sis-in-law) and I are doing a one month challenge.  Although I've never made it a month on any diet, or even a week for that matter, we've decided to challenge one another.  Here are the rules we set up:

1: No sweets or candy. Only naturally found sugars like fruit.

2: Only whole grains.

3: Cardio and stretching 5 times a week.

4: Weights/strength training 3 times a week.

5 : Lots of fruit, veggies, and water. 

6: Majority of each meal veggies.

7: Multivitamin each day.

8: All natural sourced juices and only one 8 oz. or less glass each day.

9: Protein eaten only after we have worked out and in portions less than 4 oz.

My cheat: blue corn tortilla chips with salsa.

Tut's cheat: one soda a week.

Overall cheat: eggs anytime we want.

What have we missed that's detrimental to our overall health and weight loss goals?  We still haven't decided on a punishment if one of us has any weak moments. Ideas?

P.S. Sparky is snoring. 

Trees

2011-03-07T23:36:00.002-07:00

On Sunday we had a special Stake Conference with visiting General Authority Elder Neil A. Andersen. He shared his powerful testimony and spoke from the words of Christ. He words were thought-provoking, but best of all, through the Spirit of Christ, he inspired within me a renewed respect for the natural beauty surrounding us.

Before attending conference I started to notice the change of season and the effects taken on by the trees. I have always loved trees. I don't know if that sounds odd alone without explanation. Much of my time spent as an only child was used to climb trees (and walls, and fences, etc.). My favorite spot was a cherry tree in my parents back yard. At the top of the tree was a perfect spot to sit and recline and view the surrounding yards.

A few times a year, driving to the Uintah basin, I loved to see the change in landscape. And the change in trees from suburban maples, mountainous pines, hills of aspens, and the lonesome juniper atop a forever plateau.

Every now and then I think back to a Young Women advisor who came back to live in our ward after having left to live in SF for a few years with her husband to attend dental school. I remember her talk in church about how she found the transition to living in SF difficult. She missed family and familiarity (little did I know I would relate to her in the near future). When one day on the bus she described watching the trees pass by and the peace she had prayed for came in the ability to recognize beauty around her.

Elder Andersen mentioned a line along the same vein. In short, he reminded us that this world is not our home. That this life is a test, and so it is not always or immediately fair. Although a tangent on the idea of home, the thoughts that came to my mind were that Earth is not where our intelligence originated yet this Earth is a gift from God meant to support the plan of salvation. That the Earth is given to us and that it is not man made, but molded by a God. How that molding occurred is something beyond this post. But considering the Earth a beautiful fluke sounds a pale in comparison to the deliberate wonder of the Earth's creation that it is. Yeah, I'm starting to sound a little pulpy. But now I get, to an extent now, those that say they can see the love of God in nature.

Elder Andersen complimented these thoughts later on when he spoke of serving one another. I'm hoping that when I appreciate the natural wonders around me that I remember longer to respect the Lord's most beautiful creation, his children. Not that I dislike people. But it's only too easy to loose trust in the general population and the crazy cab driver that threatens your life with his creative driving.

I want to incorporate more wood into our interiors at home eventually. I really like distressed oak. More pretty pictures below.

It will drive our kids insane

2011-02-28T16:06:00.005-07:00

John and I have this habit.

We meet up after he's done with classes and decide to grab something to eat.

He asks where we should go, I suggest a place, he doesn't feel like it.

I then say that we can go anywhere he wants to eat as long as it isn't yada-yada place.

And of course it was exactly the place he was thinking of.

So instead of strapping down and deciding on a place before we set off

we throw opportunity to chance

and head out with a sparkle in our eyes.

We begin by enjoying the scenery and talking about our day.

We pass by familiar restaurants but decide to branch out.

We walk about twenty blocks finding plenty of restaurants but continue on in the fear

that we'll once again encounter mediocre food at a price normal for NYorkers, yet pricey for us.

After about an hour and a half into our walk

John becomes increasingly grumpy and me whiny.

We both begin to complain about aching backs, tired feet, and hungry bellies.

At this point we somehow end up walking ourselves down a dark alley or

into a residential neighborhood with only one ridiculously priced restaurant on the corner -

with no end in sight.

The desperation sets in.

After another half our of wandering

we magically we find a street filled with restaurants.

Past the brink of caring, we walk to the closest restaurant and take a peek at the menu.

This exact scenario played out on Valentine's Day.

Due to cold temperatures and an icy wind our

hunger induced delusional state was exacerbated past rationality.

So when we walked up to a menu at a cute looking place in Soho

we saw a Valentine menu that had a five course meal for $60.

We knew we had found the one.

We waltzed in with a tailwind of victory and relief and asked for a table.

Hey, they had one table available - we.were.ecstatic!

They said table for two and we jumped.

We sat. And then we looked.

Me: "Hey John, do you think they meant $60 per person?"

John: "Uhhhhh . . . ."

Me: "Oh no. How do we sneak out of here?"

We currently were sitting next to the host stand, the bar, and a line of waiting guests.

Defeated by our pride, but mostly our hunger, we decided to throw up the white flag.

We readied ourselves for a food-induced coma.

Now I realize that $120 plus tip for a two person meal is nothing but spare change in this city.

But we is poh people.

We is poh.

However, I had a wonderful bison rib-eye and a delicious starfruit flan.

And they gave each of us a little package of cookies when we left!

This scenario is typical of us.

There are many times where we will walk down a street.

After some time has passed I ask John where we are going.

He'll then informs me that I'm leading this expedition and is following me.

If we are lucky we'll come to a cross walk and run into one another

and ask the other where to go, thus saving more time.

So that was our Valentines.

I loved how low key everything was and that what we did was together.

I love how John and I fall into the same silly habits over and over again.

I imagine it'll be the kind of thing that will drive our kids insane.

Fingers Crossed

2011-02-25T19:47:00.003-07:00

Well, I've been window shopping via j.crew.com again. I had an interview yesterday and I kept telling myself that I would have to purchase a new suit if I got the job . . . so I should continue to browse the online sale. I came upon some really pretty things, few of which would be suited to the work place. I thought I'd day dream and post them here.

$140 with free shipping.

Aren't these elegant?

I don't think I'd ever be able to justify this.

It seems extravagant (i.e. unpractical) in so many ways.

Foremost, my Mother always taught me to

stay away from suede as they are difficult to keep clean.

And in a place like NYC I could see them ruining within a few blocks.

$280 with free shipping.

Yeah, I think I would expect free shipping if I were to fork out that much for a dress.

But with that said, I think this would make the perfect opera dress.

I would wear it with a shrug for modesty,

although it does ruin the line of the design.

$140 with free shipping.

This seems like the most practical purchase of those listed,

and maybe the most elegant and unique.

It reminds me of WWI and Indiana Jones,

which might have something to do with the color.

I tend to gravitate toward neutrals since

bright shades seem to go in and out of fashion so quickly.

On the other end of the neutral spectrum I envision rich colors

like emeralds, ruby, and this caramel color

(I don't think that fits it accurately, but I can't think of anything else).

So yes, I had an interview. I think it's the third in the past few weeks. I feel blessed to have had so many interviews at decent offices in this economy. The past year it took me a month to find a job so I'm feeling a little pressure to find something within the next couple of weeks. Then again, I took the first job offered to me.

This time around I've wanted to take time to find something worth investing my time in. Which is great news since this job is different and I can see myself dedicating my time there. I had an interview with an agency that hires for law firms and matched me to this position. I went in for an interview and was given a second interview and was asked for references. The agent seemed to think that meant good things. I however am not entirely sure it went all that well. I unfortunately fumbled over a lot of my answers. I think it may have something to do with the length of the interview. I'm accustomed to quick twenty minute or half hour interviews. The two interviews combined took a little over an hour.

On the positive side it seems from their description of the job that I am qualified. Both individuals that interviewed me talked at length about the growth opportunities and having responsibilities that ranged outside of the position. Two individuals that they are replacing are moving on to law school. The typical time spent at the firm is two to three years. It's a large firm based in Texas, but a small group in Manhattan that focuses on pharmaceutical and mass tort law. I'm rambling. I just hope I get the job so I can ramble much more! If not, hopefully something similar is out there. Such a sad thought. Send your good vibes my way! Fingers crossed!

Bueller

2011-02-15T07:45:00.004-07:00

Bueller?

By far my favorite 80s movie.

Master of French Literature

2011-02-12T10:53:00.004-07:00

John is now a master of French Literature!

It was a short lived victory as he's in an excelled Doctorate program

and has been teaching, writing, and taking class since taking the exam.

I think NYU mails him his degree.

But still, CONGRATULATIONS!

You're brilliant.

Friday Night Fun

2011-02-12T10:49:00.005-07:00

Last night John and I enjoyed the company of friends at a Valentine's Day party. There was good food, good friends, we had a Doritos casserole for the second time in one week after never even hearing of it, embarrassed ourselves dancing with the wii, and then played a white elephant game. As there was a $1 limit per gift we were forced to get creative. I made a game entitled "toilet twister - don't let love go down the drain" including directional dice and toilet seat shaped twister mats, and John used his talent to wrap the following around a roll of toilet paper:

Luckily our strategy worked well as we came home with one of the best gifts:

Patty's chocolate covered strawberries and a $25 certificate to this place down the street that we've been wanting to try:

I can't wait!

For our second gift we somehow ended up with this:

Great.

Of course we were the only couple there without kids.

It was all in good fun though.

After the party John and I wanted to keep the night going so we decided to check out the seedy club down the street called the full cup that showcases "underground" bands.

The front room was quirky with a bathtub coffee table and an overbearingly loud one man band.

In the back room we heard the band called "Pigeons".

I felt like I had stepped in The Triplets of Belville. There were three people in the band. A ghostly thin androgynous singer-girl with big specs and two guys on percussion and synthesizer that looked like this but with beards:

Unfortunately they seemed to have a lot of technical difficulties so we only stayed for a few songs and then left. It's too bad we didn't hear this song:

Pigeons "The Paradise" from OLDE ENGLISH SPELLING BEE on Vimeo.

Hope you had a good weekend too!

Vivaldi vs. Brad

2011-02-08T19:56:00.003-07:00

Reason #2 we need a new place: competing interests.

John is having a solo "baroque party, . . . duh, can't you tell Tanya"?

And I'm trying to watch and the eight girls who Brad "has a really strong emotional attachment to", duh John.

I think there should be an obvious winner here. And the other should gracefully step down.

Let me place before you the details.

1. A bachelor with a rose and slight emotional issues.

2. A snooty man in tight pants who is no longer among the living.

I rest my case.

Does it have more than four steps?

2011-02-07T19:58:00.003-07:00

Yesterday John and I attended a Super Bowl party. And anyone who knows us well knows that we know nothing about football. Luckily our friends were willing teachers and had cooked up some tasty game fare. When I asked what we could bring they asked for dessert. I figured that was easy enough. So I did all kinds of research on what to make. Unfortunately I forgot that I have a horrible memory, because I would have otherwise realized that much of my Sunday afternoons are spent slumbering away and the last thing that I like to do is interrupt a good nap with the dread of responsibility that is baking or cooking. In all honesty, I'm horrible at cooking meals consistently. If I were beyond believable rich I would have the following things:

1. A personal master chef.

I love good food and I love reading recipes (I even like reading menus),

but I hate cooking or baking when it is a necessity.

Blah, I feel horrible admitting that, but it's true. So true.

2. A personal masseuse.

Much of my time is spent plotting ways in which to beg John to give me a massage.

And now that I no longer dance I have very little to work with.

Whining to John that I've been laying down too long isn't the most convincing narrative.

3. A larger living space, with lots of windows, surrounded by lots of trees.

Our tiny ground floor/basement apartment can be the source of a lot of stress.

We love our place, I love the kitchen appliances and the bathroom tiling, and the neighborhood has nice historical homes. We were so grateful to find a decent place on our first try when we moved here.

But we need more room. And it needs to be smartly organized.

I grew up waking to the sun and sleeping in the moonlight.

Of course not every day because my room was East facing - but you get my point.

But back to my original point. It is difficult for me to gain the motivation to cook everyday - especially on Sunday. But thankfully my friend Viola gifted me the wonderful Cake Mix Bible! After waking at 5:15pm and realizing we had to be at the party by 6pm I ditched all my ideas of grandeur. But there was no need to be hasty because drawn-out and lengthy are not prerequisites for an amazing dessert. Not. at. all. my. friends. I made a wonderful banana cake with chocolate cream cheese frosting within a half an hour. Our friends even asked for seconds. Victory!

I fully intend to adapt the recipe to recreate a chocolate chip zucchini cake that my Mother-in-law makes. I can't wait!

Wish list

2011-01-28T15:17:00.002-07:00

And because I'm on a blogging roll I thought I'd add a little more . . . and then a little more. This happens to also be my philosophy on candy/chocolate consumption.

So remember the post, this post, where I talked about being a great gift giver? I also wanted to talk/write about (can I just use talk in place of write even though I'm writing) what I bought for others to prove my abilities to the webby web world. But I soon realized that the only people who read my blog are those that would receive gifts from me. So I decided to publicize my wish list. Most items I purchased myself or planned to purchase. Funny thing though . . . some people have selective reading abilities. I don't know if this is a super power or a disability. But in the end it worked out really well for me because I got two bottles of the Origins lotions that I wanted and two copies of The Corrections. Hah! Victory! I thought it was really nice of my sisters-in-law.

Next year I may have to get a little more demanding though. That's reasonable right? The longer you know me the better your gifts have to be. Right, so I was thinking something along the lines of what my bff mentioned on her blog, here. Like make me look like Alexis Bledel, everyday . . . even though I'm half Asian. Dealio? I'll even settle for Scarlet Johanson. I better start list make now!

Two things for today

2011-01-28T15:11:00.002-07:00

1. We got our new mattress! Can I get a wha-whaat for Seely?! Aaaand I bought new pillows, down comforter, and Egyptian cotton sheets. One of my dreams fulfilled. It really is one of my dreams. And would you believe that John actually purchased doggy stairs? Now Sparky can get on the bed without our assistance. There are many levels at which I am uncomfortable with this, but I love John. And love makes everything right. Right.

2. Turns out we're too rich for New York. Which is funny because I always thought we were too poor for New York. It's a long story that will only bore. Just know that I want to buy the t-shirt that says "I'm too poor to enjoy New York" - because it has to exist.

In between is the worse place to be

2011-01-28T13:36:00.005-07:00

I watched a time lapse video of New York and realized that the water in the Hudson actually flows downstream. Sometimes I forget that everything doesn't stop for the big city of New York. That must seem like a strange thing to write. Especially since New York is known as the city that never sleeps. I know there's a better way of saying this, but sometimes I want to sleep on my own timing. And this city doesn't let you. And sometimes everything seems to be about the people walking down the street, and not you.

It's been bizarre how I've come to realize/accept my general attitude towards living in New York. I promise that I was in denial about the part of me that was sad to live here - for the past year and a half. That's a long time to be in denial. But I wanted to be supportive of John and I didn't want to ruin his experience here with my home-sickness. Finally though, I allowed myself to be sad about not having family and friends around everyday. I miss a lot of things about Utah. I stopped everything to come here. My job, job opportunities, connections, networks, comforts were all left. I left without giving a second thought because it was for our family and it was what felt right. And now, I'm more grateful for what I had. And I know better how to value those things that I have now.

Yet I'm adamant that moving here was the best thing for us and I hope I'm proven right over time. I don't want to let the annoying things about this place depress me. I don't want to dwell on the bad. I want to allow myself to have the energy to move past those things and do something worth remembering while I'm here. It's scary to write that. It's scary because it's not like I didn't try before - it just felt so lackluster and wrong (because technically and lawfully it was). It was a wake up call to say the least. I had no direction whatsoever, and I didn't know what direction I really wanted to take. I guess, without a goal I'm useless.

Over the past year, the pieces have slowly come together for me in the "what do I do with my life" realm. I'm slowly but surely making baby-steps toward this goal. I don't ever remember being this cautious. My goal since about the age of 5 was to be a professional dancer. Just like thousands of other little girls, I'm sure. I remember sitting in my room on the floor playing with my toys when my Mom asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a ballerina. And a thought (the first negative vocalized thought I remember) came to mind. It said something like this, "you can't be a ballerina when you grow up; it will be too hard for you". And because it is my nature, I decided to pursue my dream with reckless abandonment. And it worked pretty well. I pushed many things to the side to pursue this goal. I received special studio scholarships, encouragement from professors at the University of Utah who I didn't know had been watching me in class, a place in a secondary company in Utah, and offered a contract to perform ballet on the high seas when I was 22. I overcame many obstacles, and gave up a lot to pursue my dreams. Although I knew I wasn't cut out for the NYCB or even Ballet West, my goal of being a professional dancer was met with the help of my Heavenly Father.

Yet, it wasn't a victory that would define the tone of the rest of my life, like I thought it would. And that's what I've come to terms with during the time I've been here. It's been confusing and difficult for me - my own personal limbo. I now have something to work for, and I'm taking it easy just to be sure that it's for real (is this real life?). I don't want to go full force if this is a fleeting desire of mine. I don't think it is though, so I guess it's all or nothing. I don't know if I can go into something with a kind of in between attitude. That just doesn't work in general in my mind, it doesn't compute. There would be too many questions left behind if I didn't try. The only thing stopping me is my hesitancy and fear that I won't like it. That's not a good enough reason though, right? See and find out, right?

Attention Monger

2011-01-27T17:39:00.005-07:00

This is a general breakdown of how Spartacus, our dog, spends his day:

45% Sleeping

5% Strange activities done while we are asleep and random barking

50% Whining for the following:

- 1% A walk

- 44% What we are eating

- 5% To Play

- 50% No apparent reason,

which could amount to the following:

to lick our ears

to chew on dirty tissues (John is sick)

to lay on top of the coffee table

to have your attention

to be picked up

to have any packaging in your hand

I feel bad complaining about him. But I'm irritable. And he's been whining so much! Plus, John has the flu. And whining is not cute, no matter how you put it. His whining starts quiet, almost indiscernible and lasts to the point where you almost forget (like background noise), then it grows in volume and pitch until it gets to the point where it sounds like he's hyperventilating. He then squeaks out a bark or utters groans as close to talking as he can then starts all over again. I promise we do not ignore Sparky. I try to solve whatever issue is causing him to whine. And sometimes he makes demands that only a crazy or famous person would make. No joke, he woke me up at 3am this morning with his whining. He understands words like "walk", "play", and "chicken" (among other basic commands). He didn't respond to any of those words. I finally broke down four hours of inconsistent sleeping (yes it lasted that long). He just wanted one of us to be awake and pay attention to him at 3 in the morning! Not played with, not fed, not walked . . . just for me to talk, I don't know, stare at him and be awake . . . at 3 am. I can't be the only one who has a dog like this.

We still love him to death though. He has fur that looks like human hair, but feels softer and thicker. He's intuitive. A great guard dog. Has some really cute habits . . . aside from whining. And is generally obedient.

And overall today hasn't been that bad. My mood improved vastly over the hours. We were snowed in and enjoyed popcorn and smores while we caught up on some pretty horrible teen movies we hadn't seen (John Tucker Must Die and The Rocker). I made eggs and bacon for dinner, shoveled two feet of snow off of the long sidewalk that wraps around our apartment, and reorganized my closet. Fun stuff. How was your day?

Salt Lake to New York

2011-01-19T10:40:00.005-07:00

(John in his Parisian courtyard on a summer eve)

This day of Wednesday I give thanks for Google chat.

It has done a lot for our little relationship.

(John began a Google chat journal for us - I really do love it)

John and I have spent a lot of time apart over the past year due to his schooling.

Time spent in Arizona, Paris, and Salt Lake totaled equal a total of FOUR months apart.

That's a third of the year.

That's a lot.

I made John promise, I demanded, and partially threatened scary things if he didn't take me with him to wherever he has to go this year.

I really hope it worked because I'm ready to be around him every day of this next year.

I go home on Saturday.

I already feel sad about leaving parents, grandma, best friends, in-laws, mom's cooking, and the mountains. I've been spoiled by family and friends whilst in the valley of salt and smog. And the most horrible part of it all - I feel as if I haven't done anything for them! I hope they forgive me for taking advantage of all the good food and good company they've afforded me. John mentioned something very true of me when I come home - I turn into a teenager. This is good and bad. The bad - I lay around all day and let my Mom make dinner and do my laundry, and I give my Dad a hard time about his jokes and politics. The good - I make random crazy trips with Michelle to the middle of nowhere, I eat five meals a day,

I shop . . . a lot, and do errands with Mom.

Although I may act the part of the bratty teenager while at home,

I really have this urge to give my parents the world. I've heard this said about having your own little one, and I can't imagine how this feeling could increase (I might explode), but I really wish I had ability to fix or mend health issues and life stresses for my parents. Nothing is tragic has happened, things are the same as they were ten years ago. I just wish I could turn into a magic genie or Oprah and ask what three wishes they would like to let them know how much I love them. Instead I just force them to say "I love you" back whenever they leave the house, go to bed, or close a phone conversation.

There never seems to be enough time to do all that I want.

But with that said, I can't express how glad I am to go back home to John.

I feel like we haven't had a chance to really live with one another.

As if we were just married and I know very little about him.

Although, he may think differently about this.

He prides himself on thinking that he knows everything about me and can predict my behavior and thought processes.

And being a genius he does for the most part . . . it's my goal in life to surprise him.

I also miss this little guy, I hope he remembers me.

2011-01-05T11:57:00.002-07:00

10 years ago:
1. I attended Olympus High School - I forgot how to make friends and decided to deem myself anti-social. And boy, did I follow that to a T. I even felt a strange disgust at any school induced function and only attended half of one assembly and one school dance (I gave in out of curiosity for Senior Prom - big mistake) my entire three years there.
2. I was intimidated at how beautiful and rich everyone seemed to be at Olympus. Never had I really thought about such things until then.
3. Worked at DeLaMare's Bakery with Joanna. They made amazing sandwiches and bread. There isn't much that I would not give to have their recipes.
4. My parents were pretty adamant that I focus on school, violin, or piano. I was crazy rebellious and took out all my teenage angst and anger by paying for ballet lessons twice a week. Yeah, I was bad. What shame! What shame, as brought upon the Allen household, they cried!
5. I made it clear to my non-existent hoards of boy-followers at lunch one day that I refused to date while in High School. I think I got some silence and maybe a dry cough in response.

Five things on my To-Do List today:
1. Find proof my Social Security number in my old bedroom so that I can have my Utah drivers license reissued before I go back to New York. Long story.
2. Laundry
3. Sleep - I need to get better before I go back!
4. Maybe forget about my goal to get better and convince my Mom to head on over with me to the Performing Arts Company for their going out of business sale. Imagine all the cool material and costumes they have stored there!
5. Do my visiting teaching via phone.

Five things that I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Pay off any debt my family and friends have.
2. Buy a place in Brooklyn, Utah, and France - and then remodel.
3. Get insurance.
4. Start a local campaign against human trafficking.
5. Invest.
. . . those were kind of boring.

5 Places I have lived:
1. Salt Lake City: Millcreek.
2. Salt Lake City: City Creek.
3. New York City: Staten Island.
4. Future: maybe Versaille?
5. Future: who knows where?!

5 Jobs I've had:
1. Administrative Assistant
2. Dancer
3. Teacher
4. Medical Biller
5. Office Manager
. . . those were kind of boring too. Wouldn't I be so much more cool if I could add oil well digger-type person, ice trucker, sailor, humanitarian, inventor, or spy to the list? I'm pretty sure I'd have a few tats, frost bite, a man haircut, and some wicked awesome stories.

Hi, 2011.

2011-01-04T09:46:00.004-07:00

12/31/10 and 01/01/11 are possibly the two most horrible days of my entire life thus far. Sounds dramatic, no? But no need to be sorrowful I say, because my faith now sustains me. And how grateful I am for that! In the days that followed, the Lord provided circumstances in which I had the choice to trust Him. I choose to take that leap. Nothing visible yet has changed. What happened, still happened. And yet I have hope. For what specifically - I'm not entirely sure of. But the Lord helped me find it, that hope that I so desperately needed. I didn't even fully realize how much I needed it until I was confronted with the choice to trust and believe Him.

That was the first step. I'm finally ready for the next.

The Good and Bad of 2010

2010-12-29T12:50:00.004-07:00

What even happened in 2010? I used to keep track of what happened month by month by the photos that we took (obviously not by blogging or journaling). Unfortunately I lost my camera and John lost the cable to his - so no real documentation. Thus this is my attempt to blog, in general the good and the bad of 2010.

Because I like to remember both sides of the story I'll recap both the good and the bad.

Thus the bad of 2010, so that we can end with the good.

In January I had just quit my first NY job as an office manager at a dental office on the UES because I disagreed with the owners sense of ethics. A man in a track-suit attempted to rob our apartment, took a dump in the crawl space, and was arrested promptly after he jumped off the second story porch, ran through the backyard, and down the alleyway whilst screaming "I didn't do it!". The 6'5", 250 lb. officer seemed quite thrilled after the chase. Finally they took him away - only one full day since he had been released from prison.

Then in February I quit my second job as a dental office manager in Staten Island because a better job offer and because, once again, I disagreed with the owner's sense of ethics. The leak from the closet in the hall begins to increase.

March, April, and May contained lots of free food from my new job (good and bad I guess). These months also included the period in which we did not have a working toilet and occasionally no working shower. The leaky closet has now produced a permanent lake in the hallway.

In June, John was weighed down more than ever with work from school and left for Paris NYU (good for him, not that great for me). Lake Hallway has now completely formed.

In July John was still in Paris. Unbearable heat and humidity continue as well as our lack of any air-conditioning type relief. Lake Hallway sat pretty no matter how many times I cleaned it up.

In August I was laid off and joined the unemployed forces. Lake Hallway, need I say more?

September brought a lot of "what do I do with my life" questions. Got sick for the first time in years. Lake Hallway.

October hung over John with another mass of work. We paid $1600+ for tickets back to Salt Lake for the Christmas season - we felt robbed to say the least. And most sad of all my Grandma Allen became ill and was admitted to the hospital only a few days after having a pace maker implanted. A damn was thankfully produced by our landlord in pipe valley and Lake Hallway became no more.

November was the beginning of what I call the "sick period", three viruses, one right after the other and peaking at Bronchitis - which still has yet to end. And because I ignored being ill and continued to go to the gym and activities, the forces of nature thought it befit to reward me with the coordination of a drunken monkey and a lovely fall over a crack in a driveway at 6 am on Black Friday morning and sprain my ankle - which also has yet to completely heal.

In December I was asked to call back after an interview for an insurance job in NJ and another as a paralegal for an estate law firm on 5th ave and 34th. I made the decision to not call back as I had already booked tickets to go to Utah. Which normally wouldn't be enough of a reason as getting a new job (an extremely important goal for me right now). But spending time at home with family is more important to me at this time - I feel it was the right decision, but it's still difficult to think of the potential I left hanging there.

That was some heavy stuff. Onto the good.

Last January John gifted me a card with a puppy on the front for my Birthday. Two weeks later Spartacus Gough arrived home for the first time. He was incredibly timid when we carried him through the mall where the store was located and when we went to PetSmart to buy supplies. But after we went to bed he spent all night and all the next day playing with his talking stuffed animal! Tried magnolia bakery for the first time. Stayed up until dawn and had a dance party with our friends Viola and Teo on New Years.

In February John's Mom and sister Julianne came to spend time with us in NY. We enjoyed filling our time with art museums and local restaurants.

March brought Sparky and Sundae together on a play date that included three hours of wrestling and the occasional break to mark my kitchen floor. All play dates now take place outdoors.

April . . . I have no idea what happened during this month. Except that spring is absolutely beautiful in New York. I discovered a new favorite, flowering almond trees and another I have yet to find the name of.

In May John was accepted to present his paper at the University of Arizona for a Medieval conference on Medieval torture. He was so spectacular that they decided to publish his paper! At some point we went to a Bavarian restaurant in the backwoods of Staten Island. Eating out is a favorite activity of ours, but I tend to forget many of the places we visit. This place was special however and will forever be burned into my memory. Mostly due to a 10 year old performing soloist, non-alcoholic beer, and horrible food.

In June I threw John a surprise birthday party in our backyard. On his actual birthday we went to Birdland and tried out one of Gordon Ramsey's restaurants called The Maze. John was given an all expenses paid trip and stipend to attend a writing class at NYU Paris and manage a dormitory of students. He even had time to explore the city and eat Steak and Frites for Lunch and Dinner - every day. Before he left, he planted a garden with hanging plants and lanterns for me!

In July, John continued to bask in the warmth of Paris. My parents resolved part of my loneliness by coming out to visit me and Sparky in NY. We saw the King Tut exhibit, the Frick, and Mary Poppins on Broadway. We spent the 4th of July weekend in Washington D.C. and explored Georgetown and the National Mall museums. After my parents left I went to a LDS stake Young Women's girls camp. It was a fantastic gig for me. I went to a few meetings, put a few things together, drove a few people to the camp site, and led a skit night. And in return I got free meals, a free bed, and didn't have to do any real cleaning.

John came home in August and I got to go on another trip to D.C. to visit his old MTC friend Richard and his cute pregnant wife Sarah (I like that they named their son after Miles Davis). We spent our time in the suburbs of D.C. (very pretty) and explored the National Mall museums (still enjoyed it on my fourth visit there).

In September John began teaching at NYU. He bought an awesome light-saber and a slew of other historical swords that are now displayed on our walls. I now call our apartment the man den (good to one, bad to the other).

October brought more swords. Sparky was made to wear a cute pumpkin costume to the ward Halloween party. Took a trip out to Hoboken, NJ to the shop of The Cake Boss (a t.v. series) and discovered amazing views of NYC. Found the best dumplings in NYC at a street vendor. Discovered our new favorite french NYC restaurant called Lucien's on the LES.

November we went to the Macy's Day parade with our friends the Donovans and the Walkers. We ate Thanksgiving dinner at the officer's club on 34th street. I went Black Friday shopping for the first time with Patty, Ali, and Tiffany. John and I took a trip to Ikea and remade over our little apartment. And best of all, we heard the great news that John's sister Anneleisa and Stanton are engaged to be married!

In December John finished most of his required writing - a huge relief. Had a date night in Brooklyn, which included fresh oysters, the Chocolate Room (yum!), and TRON (our current favorite movie of 2010). Made our way to The Counter in Times Square. Traveled home for the holidays and are currently enjoying ourselves to the max with family and friends.

The End 2010.

Welcome 2011!

Winter Wonderland

2010-12-03T20:26:00.002-07:00

John says I have a man-crush on Jason Marz. I don't. I just really like his music. I think this may be my new favorite of his. Merry Christmas!

Christmas List

2010-12-01T08:40:00.004-07:00

Christmas is coming! And my days are filled with Christmas related things - decorating, party after party, and purchasing gifts. Besides the music and the general spirit of Christmas, I love purchasing gifts for people I know well! I am a savvy gift-giver, if I do say so myself.

I have a litmus test by which all gifts must pass. That is, my gift must always be relevant to the recipients taste yet still surprising. And because we is poh, I ask myself "does this person prefer quantity over quality". Huh, now that I think about it I realize that this piece of wisdom isn't anything new. Well, let's just say I'm really good at it.

I want to share how good I am at it and the logic behind each gift I'm going to give this season. But I can't. Because, duh, people read this blog. Two to be exact. Michelle and my husband - sometimes. So who am I speaking to right now? Oh well, I do what I want. So, instead of putting what I've bought for others in this post I'm putting what I'd like to buy for myself. Selfish, no? Please take note that this isn't a wish list for others to know what to buy me. But if you so choose to use it for that purpose - I have no way of stopping you.

What is your wish list?

This would probably be the most impractical and immorally wrong item on my list. Not because it is sinfully beautiful, classy, sexy, and velvet - but because it's insanely expensive by my standards. Your clue: Kate Spade. Sigh. I could probably feed an entire village of West African children for a year.

I've heard a lot of hype about this book. I haven't even read his novel The Corrections. But the author was interviewed on NPR and the book was listed on a top ten list on the BBC. I guess that's good enough for me. Did you know that only smart people listen to NPR? Is that on a t-shirt somewhere, because I need to buy one.

Why oh why did I ever wander over the Origins counter? I found out that it's normal for people to pay $30+ for body lotion. At least I will tell myself this to justify purchasing it. It would totally be worth it.

I went to my Doctor in Union Square the other day and had fun wandering around the Christmas Market at the park. I had a feta pretzel, bought my sister-in-law her belated B-day gift, and found a vendor that sells organic/free-trade hoody hats like the one above. Except it was a lot cuter.

A subscription to TIME magazine. I'm done asking myself if it would be worth it (If you haven't gathered . . . I'm super cheap). I may also get a subscription to Saveur. Te-he.

Well, it sounds like it is time to go. Sparky is throwing his food dish around in the kitchen. Oh, and now he just brought to the living room. Toodles!

Barefoot in the Park

2010-11-28T12:38:00.005-07:00

John introduced me to Barefoot in the Park over the weekend. I was reluctant to watch it as I was in a grumpy mood due to my illness and a sprained ankle. As childish as it is, I continued this act throughout the movie. I held each laugh in while John thoroughly enjoyed himself.

I'm sure this scene sounds familiar to many couples. But I must ask that you stop in your haste, because there are layers. Oh are there layers. Well, only a few really. On top was my reluctance to watch the film. Go a little deeper and one would realize that my reluctance was only increased because I liked the film.

Go a little deeper and one would see that both John and I related to the film and couldn't help but think of our first year of marriage - which only made my reluctance deeper. He knew it when he decided to show the movie to me, and I knew he knew it but didn't want to admit it. If you're short on time watch the film from about 6:00 when the argument begins. Although I wouldn't consider myself as crazy as her, unfortunately my logic can occasionally fall into her harebrained category. If you wish to in part relive my slight humiliation please watch. Enjoy.

Sunday Casserole

2010-11-28T11:47:00.003-07:00

Happy Sunday! This past week was filled with many activities including the following:

Waking up at 3 am to secure a spot for the Macy's Day Parade.
Thanksgiving Dinner at the Officers Club on 38th St. in Manhattan with friends from the ward.
Black Friday Shopping and a sprained ankle. Don't worry, it wasn't over merchandise. Let's just say running in the dark at 5 am isn't the best idea.
Turkey Friday provided by John and his well-refined cooking skills.
And finally, a weakened immune system and thus illness due to all the late nights and fun.

As I was unable to make it to church I reviewed some of the talks from this past General Conference. One of my favorite talks by Elder Todd D. Christofferson was just as instructional as the first time I heard it, if not more so. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from his talk Reflections on a Consecrated Life. It's definitely worth listening or reading again. Found here.

“The man who so walks in the light and wisdom and power of God, will at the last, by the very force of association, make the light and wisdom and power of God his own—weaving those bright rays into a chain divine, linking himself forever to God and God to him. This [is] the sum of Messiah’s mystic words, ‘Thou, Father, in me, and I in thee’—beyond this human greatness cannot achieve.”

Elder B. H. Roberts

"May we consecrate ourselves as sons and daughters of God, “that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope” . . .

Moroni 7:48

Thankful

2010-11-24T19:41:00.002-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

What I'm thankful for:

1. Jesus Christ.

He loves me even if I act like a git, too prideful and refuse to take help, and shy away from fully giving of myself to Him.

2. John, and being eternally sealed together.

He's wonderful really. He lets me take my time to figure things out, supports me in my ups and downs, and in the meantime still loves me. He's incredibly smart, dedicated, funny, genuine, soft-hearted, and talented.

3. A loving family that cares for me, even if I act like a turd sometimes. Little by little I've come to appreciate my parents and realize how many sacrifices they made to make my life better.

4. Friendship, even if I'm not that great at it.

5. An exemplary extended family and in-laws.

5. Four separate seasons and the unique beauty that each brings.

Especially here in NY.

6. Kind and generous people who have a testimony of Jesus Christ.

So many humble and loving people have shown such generosity to me and are my examples. Their example is one of the reasons I have investigated more fully the Gospel and nature of God.

7. The Temple.

8. Books and opportunity to learn.

9. A nice and cheap apartment in NYC.

Even if there are plumbing, mold, and space issues

10. Dance. Although it isn't a part of my daily life anymore I still imagine, practice, watch, read about, and love dance.

11. Beautiful music that can instantaneously improve my mood and motivation levels.

12. The armed forces, the founding fathers, Presidents past and present, and all those that have sacrificed and devoted their lives and passions to the establishment and betterment of America.

Spartacus

2010-11-24T18:54:00.003-07:00

Spartacus Gough you are great indeed, and super cute. Even if you require a lot of attention, and even if you walk all over our laptops erasing important information, we still love you.

You are great at communicating what you want. Like when you indicated that you needed to go out for a potty walk and we ignored you - we'll try our best to listen to you next time. And when you drag your food dish to the bedroom and throw it around to make the metal clang against the tile to let us know you are out of food - even if you aren't really interested in eating.

You have a great personality. I love how you take food pellets and treat them as toys to throw around and bark at. Oh, and how when you hear a noise you don't understand you ask with your voice by going from a B to a high C. And how if you don't trust the mystery noise you make a noise by going from a high C to a low B.

We are thankful for you and promise to take you to the dog park more often.

Here you will see a series of photos in which Sparky and I are making the same face. At least I like to imagine it that way. We are so in-tune with one another.

Even though my tongue isn't sticking we are making the same face. It's all in the eyes.

This time it's all in the mouth.

This is Sparky after his haircut.

Home Organization

2010-11-20T10:09:00.003-07:00

Truth is, I love home organization. I've often thought about offering to organize homes for free purely to practice the art of organization. Today I searched for a book that I perused in a grocery store a year ago on home organization but never bought. Instead I came upon a book called Organizing for Your Brain Type: Finding Your Own Solution to Managing Time, Paper, and Stuff. Which interests me because I've always thought that home organization should be fitted to the individual and accessible - which I believe more fully in now having lived with my husband. He is the ultimate home organization client. I've been brainstorming ways to make home organization accessible to his lifestyle. In the book I came across this quote:

"We carry such heavy loads, with so many things to do and see and learn. So many of my clients have so much reading material, trade journals, and health newsletters on their bedside table that it becomes impossible for them to relax. Today it seems that many people have more money than time and prefer things to experiences."

So true, so true. I'd like to live my life preferring experiences to things.

Liberalism - PS 101

2010-11-20T07:54:00.003-07:00

Lately I've been tempted to research the religious leanings of the founding fathers and how much the founding of our nation was influenced by religion. There seems to be so much rhetoric floating around that I can't quite get a straightforward answer. I've started this journey with the preconception that some of the founding fathers were religious (Christian) but that their beliefs are slightly different from mainstream Christianity today due to cultural context; also that much of what they incorporated into the founding of this nation is influenced by their knowledge of history, philosophy, and culture (mostly greek). As it happens Stanley Fish wrote an article on religion and the state and the role of liberalism - a great starting place and foundation to my inquisition. And then I came across a comment that I had to re-post. And yes, I am now that type of person that wastes time reading through a thread. There were a few things that irked me in the article and this comment addresses it perfectly.

A little Poli-Sci 101 from John Quinn in Detroit:

"May I suggest that the key distinction underlying classical liberalism, at least as practiced in the USA, is not between the public and the private but between the governmental and the non-governmental? Limited government is essential to our form of liberalism, and it means that there is a large public sphere that the government may not control.

This means, among other things, that religious persons and organizations are free to advance their religious beliefs, including beliefs about how society should be organized, in public discussions and even in how they vote, but they are not permitted to use the power of the state to impose their beliefs or the norms derived from those beliefs on others when they conflict with the tenets of liberalism. If they seek to do so the effort will be thwarted, even if they constitute a majority, by the prohibition of establishment of religion. This, it seems to me, is the source of the tension between the free-exercise and non-establishment provisions of the First Amendment.

Liberalism must acknowledge that its fundamental precepts (the primacy of the individual, the notion of inherent rights, etc.) are no more provable than any religious dogma. That is to say, liberalism is itself a faith system that seeks to organize society in a manner consistent with its fundamental beliefs. In a liberal state, liberalism is, in a sense, the established church. But, to remain faithful to its own fundamental beliefs, it must grant the broadest possible freedom to other faiths in both the public and the private spheres. A necessary limit on the breadth of the freedom granted other faiths is that liberalism remain the only faith that can use the power of the state to assure its continuing control of the state. However, limiting religious belief and practice to the personal, private sphere is not necessary and is therefore inconsistent with liberalism."

To read the article click here.

Sale!

2010-11-15T11:12:00.003-07:00

Above you see a design-board that I put together from a J.Crew sale. After surfing the different design blogs I decided to have some fun and put together an outfit I'd like. I am by no means well versed in clothing design. But it was a way of distracting myself from this nasty cold I have and plus, I really like the outfit I put together. Cute-cute, right?

There were plenty of blogs out there devoted to "outfits under $300" and even "outfits under $100". And I thought, purchasing any one of the items I've listed above, even the shirt for $34.99, would feel like a sacrifice for me. I chuckle inwardly that it's even called a "sale" - as if I'd actually forget how much they are asking for those shoes. Maybe I'm declaring my cheapness by posting this, and I should be ashamed to show such a face. Living in New York I can vouch for how much people find normal to spend on a pair of shoes. But I can't help but wonder how people in the adult world justify making purchases like this? Most people understand updating a wardrobe isn't necessary, but do they realize the extravagance of it - and what that implies? Even when items are cheap and bought at a thrift store.

Side note: for this reason, John and I sort of, kind of, like Lady GaGa.

Recently John and I were reminded of where we stand on the tax income bracket. It was funny to us because we hadn't realized how others viewed our circumstances as compared to the US standard. We thought and still do think we have a pretty good life here in NYC. Even at our poorest, I have always been aware that it was never as bad as what other people have to deal with.

Each time that our income takes a jump up and we have more spending money I can't help but feel guilty. I'm told not to feel this way. Yet when I try to ignore that guilt it brings to mind the threat many mothers make at the dinner table about starving children in poverty stricken nations. I know I've joked about it before. But it is a credible statement. Which is really the point to all of my ramblings.

Below is an excerpt from an article written by Peter Singer. In my days as a poli-sci major I read a few articles by this theorist and inevitably added this thought process as the cherry on top to my fountain of purchasing guilt. Maybe you too can add this guilt-angel to your shoulder and we can live in this beautifully idealistic world one day too. Sadly I don't think it will ever come to full fruition - I consider myself an idealistic-realist. But read it anyways. Click here for the full article.

"Of course, there are several differences between the two situations that could support different moral judgments about them. For one thing, to be able to consign a child to death when he is standing right in front of you takes a chilling kind of heartlessness; it is much easier to ignore an appeal for money to help children you will never meet. Yet for a utilitarian philosopher like myself — that is, one who judges whether acts are right or wrong by their consequences — if the upshot of the American's failure to donate the money is that one more kid dies on the streets of a Brazilian city, then it is, in some sense, just as bad as selling the kid to the organ peddlers. But one doesn't need to embrace my utilitarian ethic to see that, at the very least, there is a troubling incongruity in being so quick to condemn Dora for taking the child to the organ peddlers while, at the same time, not regarding the American consumer's behavior as raising a serious moral issue."

Nerdtastrophy

2010-11-14T20:39:00.003-07:00

"Of my friend I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most . . . human".

Live long and prosper.

Factoid of John and Tanya's courtship: there was a major bonding moment when we found out how much we each loved Star Trek. I remember the day, a Friday. The place, in the car on the way to dinner with my cousins on State Street, waiting to turn left at the light around 7pm. I distinctly remember thinking that "I could marry that man".

Today after teaching our temple prep class we stayed after to discuss the different insignia designs of the various Star Trek series. We were so proud of our Star Trek knowledge we left it on the board for the Young Men to appreciate in awe.

In Celebration

2010-11-14T19:24:00.003-07:00

Prayer of Madilynn

In celebration of Madilynn's first prayer - said during her diaper change.

As I lay this poopie down,

Bless me Lord for not to frown.

Though it does untimely come,

My diaper doth enclose me bum.

Wrap it up with tender care,

That my Mommy find it there.

Safe and warm and sure to stink,

Tainting not my rosy cheeks.

Bless my Mommy for to dare,

Remove my blessed underwear.

Wipe my bottom with a towel,

Break not her face into a scowl.

Stinky poopie swift and sure,
Leave my body clean and pure.
Pass into the cotton straights,
Staining not my pearled gates.

Mommy dearest, Mommy fine,

This gift is yours, this gift of mine.

He and She

2010-11-12T17:59:00.002-07:00

Today I thought about how there is someone there to finish the vanilla puddings in the bulk case of puddings that I buy at Costco. I only eat the chocolate.

Then I thought about how that someone and I live our lives together.

We don't fight or yell (thank goodness). We talk. That can still be frustrating though.

I take Sparky out in the morning. He takes him out at night.

When we watch t.v. I'm always trying to do something else so I don't feel as if I'm wasting time.

He only watches movies half way through.

He throws his socks on the floor. I throw mine in the laundry basket.

Today, I did something different. I left the computer and projects aside and watched our Friday night line-up without distractions. Just him, me, and Sparky.

Aquehonga Manacknong

2010-11-09T20:06:00.003-07:00

The Duke of York ordered, "early in the spring of 1668, that the islands lying in the harbor of New York, which could be circumnavigated within twenty-four hours, should belong to the colony of New York, otherwise to New Jersey. A trained seaman, Captain Christopher Billopp was selected to make the trip. His vessel was known as the 'Bentley' . . . He performed the task in twenty-three hours, and so the fate of Staten Island was decided". I've always wondered why Staten Island wasn't a part of New Jersey, and now I know.

On a whim, I decided to browse what the internet had to offer on the history of Staten Island. Specifically on Mud Lane where we live. Unfortunately there wasn't much. It seems that all of the people that helped the historical societies function, including their websites and archives, disappeared mysteriously in 2007. It was extremely difficult to find any historical photos, upcoming events, lectures, and even the location to archives. I have the feeling that many of these societies are run by the kind and very senior generation of Staten Island. Which would explain the lack of web content. I don't bring this up to point a finger, I only wish that there was more for me to learn about Staten Island without having to actually go somewhere. Maybe I'll ask if they will hire me to be an archivist.

Salt Lake's historical society has a great following! You'd think that with so many inhabitants in Staten Island there would be more of a presence. I loved when I had the opportunity to intern with the Utah Heritage Foundation. At the time they were located in Memory Grove, which sits in the mouth of City Creek Canyon (pictured above). After my hours were completed for the day I would explore the neighborhoods around the park.

I immediately thought of Memory Grove when John and I began to apartment hunt. Each home was unique and many that were available to rent were outdated. My dream apartment that looked like a quaint Italian cottage had only one aspect that the landlord tried to sell us on - the built in ironing board from the 1940s. We eventually rented the place next door and were so lucky to live on Canyon Road our first year of marriage. Living in a canyon with a trail five minutes away and the gardens of temple square equally close - we knew we had it good.

Whereas Memory Grove has only beautified over the years, conversely Stapleton has not aged well. Not yet anyway. Although Mud Lane is beautifully preserved, only a few blocks away is what one John would call the G to the hetto. It's the type of place that gets it's own police watchtower and outlooks.

At one point, right before 9/11 this place was on the up and up to be the next gentrified area of all the NY boroughs. Of course all developments were stalled and still are to this day. An entire block was demolished and now rests vacant with wooden walls around it's border.

As I was perusing the local newspaper online I decided to look at my local news on the North Shore. Chronologically the headlines read as follows: "A Staten Island rape victim's impassioned plea for justice", "Staten Island Department of Transportation worker allegedly stole electronic equipment from stock room he supervised", "Castelon Corners siblings charged by police with misdemeanors", "City issues 3 violations to owner of Staten Island home where woman died in fire", "Raid on Stapleton home yields 4 arrests on guns weapons charges". And the list goes on. Many of the articles and issues were drug related. I can not count how many times I've seen drug deals go down. It's so obvious and open. Just yesterday I saw a cab driver flash hundreds of dollars worth of newly pressed Benjamin Franklins.

My point in all this? None really. Maybe except my newfound desire to find the Staten Island archives.

Slight Gag Reflex

2010-11-08T18:21:00.002-07:00

I have three things I'd like to talk about today. This picture above, the Guaca-doughnut, and the next big food craze.

Fact: I think about food, a lot. Around 30% of my day is spent on reading, researching, visualizing, budgeting for, and wishing for food. Sometimes, while I eat dinner, I think about what I'm going to eat for each meal the next day. Sometimes, when there are so many foods I want to try, I visualize how to fit them all into one week. And sometimes, I think I should be disgusted with myself.

But whatever. I'm sure I'll get over it one day. If not, that's fine because I tend to think about exercise, dance, running, general health, and physical fitness for 25% of my day. So it all evens out. I have a lot of time on my hands.

First things first. I found that picture above on a blog called Foodbeast.com. Just look at it! John, of course, wanted to know were he could find such a fine heart attack. The mission of Food Beast is to follow food trends. I found a lot of things on cupcakes and pancakes. And a new recipe that I'd like to try, pb & j cupcakes. Tasty food noises.

Which brings me to my next topic. The Guaca-doughnut. I ask, why has Foodbeast not caught onto this trend? And why has no one perfected it into cohesive unit, instead of two - one dipped into another. That's right, you understand correctly. That's a doughnut. Dipped into guacamole. John and I enjoy spending our time watching "The Good Guys". And Dan Stark enjoys doughnuts dipped in guacamole. John admitted that he's thought about it before. And now I, although only recently converted to guacamole, am desirous to test this new concept out. I may have to post my first ever recipe on the blog in the next coming weeks. I'm already convinced it's going to taste great. Even if I'm currently dealing with a slight gag reflex.

Which brings me to my last thought. I like to predict trends. It used to be fashion, but I gave up on that once I got married and especially once I moved to New York. Now I'm into food trends. In New York there seemed to be a huge craze over bagels in the 90's. This is evidenced in bagel carts inflaming the map of the tiny land mass of Manhattan. But even more, you will notice as you drive down any road in Staten Island that most of the names of delis contain "bagel". Bagel and Things, Bagels and Buns, Bagel Depot, Puttin' on a Bagel, Bagel Bin, Hot Bagels and More, Bagel Land, Sunrise Bagel, Bagels R Us, Brothers Bagels, Bagels on the Lane, Bagel Time, Bagels Bread and Butter, Bagel Bistro, Eat-A-Bagel, et cetera forevermore. Bagel starts to sound odd once you say it enough. And guess what?! They all taste like cardboard (except Au Bon Pan - try their jalapeno cheese with the honey pecan cream cheese - exceptional).

Recently in New York, the trends seem to surround cupcakes (obviously), macaroni and cheese/comfort foods, ramen soup, and burgers. The only failed trend I can think of is the macaroon. I have no idea why it failed. And I know I'm still a novice at all this and I could be off. But I think the next big thing should come straight from Utah. Jello casseroles! Redefining Jello to New Yorkers in the way of the Relief Society sisters! Over time I noticed that the time church potlucks got flashy at ward dinners was when the elderly Sisters brought a jello dessert. Carrots, sour cream, pecans, peas, turkey stuffing (ick!), pineapple (one of the better options) - I'm sure the list could go on. What do you remember (Michelle)? I wonder who I could interest in a start up?

P.S. Did you know that the color orange can pique an appetite?

Carlos Bakery

2010-11-06T08:07:00.004-06:00

John and I went to Carlos Bakery yesterday from the show Cake Boss. We stood in line for an hour. When we finally made it into the tiny bakery we had to make a decision without even seeing the merchandise it was so crowded. After a panicked order we realized we had no idea what the price would be. Prices were not posted or told to us either. John made an estimation of $80. I guessed around $35. Grand total for a large chocolate cannoli, napoleon, eclair, and strawberry chocolate cake = $13.50. That's right. That is a steal of a deal for NJ! We got some yummy treats, saw some reality t.v. celebrities, and got a great deal in the meantime!

And of course we ate the chocolate cake at 2 AM last night.

George Washington

2010-11-06T07:50:00.003-06:00

I came across this awesome blog post today about George Washington. It seems to be more like a kid's illustrated version. Although I knew a few of the facts already, it was worth discovering the new quotes I had never read before. One extra diddy that I found out from watching Ron Chernow on the Charlie Rose program was that, although George and Martha Washington entertained constantly at Mount Vernon, it was mostly out of civility and kindness. Due to George Washington's newfound fame, he and Martha Washington sat at dinner with any that sought a meeting with the former president. Resulting in a year-and-a-half of constant (seven days a week kind of stuff) feeding and giving of their space to those who needed a place to sleep. Poor George I thought. Then I thought poor Martha! I don't know if I'd have the stamina or patience to entertain so many people on a constant basis. But what if we everyone was that willing to give of their resources. I'm sure we'd all be happier for it.

To Beautify

2010-11-04T13:01:00.004-06:00

John is a stand-up guy. He brought home a dozen pink roses home two night ago. He knew that I would be cleaning the house and would love to see it topped off with beautiful flowers.

Ladies and gents this place is now beautified.

A Perfect Pace

2010-11-04T12:54:00.002-06:00

Some it turns out I actually like running. I recently figured out that I used to hate running because I was running too fast for my body. Then I looked to see if there was anything to back up what I was discovering about myself. I just read this article and it talks about how each person has a perfect running pace. I'm sure many runners know this - but I didn't. I also like to warm up with two miles on the elliptical beforehand too. And after the first three miles I feel like I can turn up the pace. Unfortunately it seems that my current perfect pace is slower than average at 9:45 per mile. It didn't say if you could improve this. I hope so.

Wow, that got wordy . . .

2010-11-04T09:54:00.004-06:00

It's noon and I'm in bed in my p.j.s and Sparky is laying on me with a conglomeration of different chew toys. All I've done today is clean the kitchen and make us breakfast. Life is really easy for me right now. And sadly I've had a hard time adjusting to it. Even if it's great. Really great.

Within the past year I've quit two jobs. One with great potential to manage two dental practices, have great hours, and great pay. But because I disagreed with their idea of what is ethical I had to leave them both. I felt that I was between the devil and the deep blue sea - if you know what I mean.

And now I've been laid off from my most recent job at a G.I. office. My supervisor told me unabashedly that "Mary is a single mother and Jerry is in school with two kids and one on the way, plus a wife that stays at home". I also got a lot of, "You look a lot like peggy. She's Mormon too. She got pregnant and didn't want to work here at the same time. Are you pregnant?" (names have been changed). When they took me into the office to let me go they told me they had lost a lot of money that year. Which I knew to be true. A year earlier they made a good business investment but hired the wrong people to follow through with the details for them thus turning it into a very poor business investment. They said they could no longer afford to pay a biller. All of this came one day after asking them if I could start to receive my health benefits, after working there 7 months. Now, I know it's best that I'm no longer there. I had realized then that I wasn't planning on making billing my career. And yet at times I still feel upset over it. Then I'm reminded of how I was prepared mentally to leave that place and the feeling of relief that I felt when I realized I was no longer going to work there.

John suggested that I take the time to focus on dance. And I have come to realize that, although I still love dance, I'm not as passionate about it as I once was. I would dance anything before. I would love to feel the movement work through my body. And I still do. But now when I go to class it has become harder to ignore how seriously people take themselves. Choreography reeks with political agenda. Which can be good. Except it feels so fake! It's either that or taking a trip to some non-existent ethereal plane. Believe me, neither feels invigorating. I don't know if it's the choreography, the dancers, the environment, or me. Even when the choreography is about raw emotion - I don't like how they get there with the movement. Dance is truly a language and recently I haven't agreed with what the popular teachers have had to say. So my conquest of finding where I want to dance is still ongoing but currently on the backburner.

So I'm now on the job hunt. I have tried to consistently search for jobs in the financial sector or at law firms in entry level positions. But only the ones that offer huge salary packages and have a lot of competition. The reasons for this are many, a few you could probably guess yourself. The longer it takes is mostly what I'm interested in. Now I know I don't deserve a break. Child labor, 20 hour work days, poor pay has never been a problem for me. But I kind of am on break. I have tried to tell myself that I deserve a little break since I've worked consistently since I was 14. Even when I attended college full time I still worked full time and danced five days a week (at least). I tell myself that I want some time to do nothing! So that's what I'm doing. It's just getting a little old. Plus, it gets more and more uncomfortable when I tell people I am a stay-at-homer (no, I don't have kids - I'm just not working right now). Anyone want to start a charity?

But with the whole living on one salary thing I've attempted to save money by eating out less. When I go into the city I've tried taking breakfast and lunch with me. I try to cook dinner each evening. Unfortunately I have had to tell myself that this week doesn't count because I have utterly failed at my goal. I blame John. Never in my life has it been so hard to say "no" to someone. The sad part is that he doesn't even really have to convince me. In my defense though we ate all meals at home on Monday and we will eat at home tonight. Good news though, last night's food explorations came up trumps! Yes, we were triumphant, even glorious nigh unto magnanimous in our restaurant hunting, as john would say. Most places turn out to be overrated and unnecessarily expensive.

John started out with a crepe appetizer at The Film Academy Cafe while he waited for me to walk downtown. He said it was good aside from the healthy buckwheat they used for the crepe. He stated that we as a civilization have advanced enough in technology to leave behind harsh peasant foods (i.e. buckwheat) and should now focus on producing the food of the Gods (i.e. refined white flour). Nevertheless we plan on going back to try out their amazing-looking gelato.

We then walked back toward Astor place because I wanted to try some dumplings from a street vendor as my appetizer. We're a couple of fatties - "I do what I want" (yeah, I just quoted south park). BEST dumpling yet in NYC! And I've been to at least seven different dumpling places so far. The skins were soft all around but not soggy, yet crispy on the bottom where they had been fried. The meat/veggie combo was magnificent too! Which is important I've found. Most places I've come to expect some really odd meat/veggie or seafood/veggie combination. Not at A-Pou's though. Yup, just like the monkey off of Aladin.

Hilarious moment right after: John was holding the dumplings and ran to cross the street before a bus came. As I came around the bus to the other side of the street where he was I totally caught him downing the dumplings! Priceless.

We then meandered around the LES because I was more convincing this time. John and I usually dual out where we'll meander. He likes the UES and I like it on the LES. Needless to say we found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Admittedly I had wanted to try a place called the Sugar Cafe. John convinced me otherwise and we ended up at Lucien's across the street. I was hesitant at first because it looked like more than I wanted to spend. And it was. But it was totally worth it. John has now made it his goal to go there once a month to get their steak and frites. The owner was super nice and brought us two glasses of wine. Hah. That was interesting. John declined kindly in French while the entire restaurant turned to look at us. Of course, each of them had at least two empty glasses of wine. I had a beet and goat cheese salad. AMAZING. I buy this organic goat cheese at the union square farmers market and it doesn't taste nearly as good. We then ended with creme brulee and an apple tart. So good. Next time I'm going to go for the oysters and the fruit/cheese platter. Did I say how good it was? Nom. Nom. Nom.

New York State of Mind

2010-10-20T13:28:00.006-06:00

I have more than usual on my mind. I wanted to say that I had a lot on my mind - but I don't think I've come that far yet. I always feel like I never end up saying what I want to say unless I put things in lists or in an outline. If I organized my thoughts into an outline I could then write a cohesive blog post. But as I already know - I am way too lazy for that. Plus, I tend to make a lot of jokes about myself. Which are completely mindless, but at the same time I always go back and erase them - telling myself not to be rude to myself (which in turn makes me feel bad about the original jokes that I made about myself). Yeah, so there are a whole slew of things that go wrong when I start to write a blog. So here goes:

Staten Island is a borough of New York City. So technically speaking I live in NYC, but not Manhattan. And sometimes I think about how uncool that is. That even Brooklyn would be kind of a sweet deal - especially since I tend to think that's where all the cool artsy people moved to once all of Manhattan "sold-out".

And even Staten Islanders tend to think of themselves as separate from New York City, they've even attempted on numerous occasions to officially separate themselves from New York City and remove their designation as one of the boroughs. If anything, Staten Island shares more with Jersey City (which I've gathered from hearing conversations and reading articles about Jersey Shore - something I've never seen or a place I've never been to).

So I think about the uncoolness of Staten Island. But then I start to think about what our lives would be like if we moved to Manhattan (all twenty-five minutes away). And it would mostly include logistical changes - which would be refreshing and frustrating in their own way. Then I realize that I prefer living in Staten Island. The cost of living is cheaper and the quality of living is better - and yet we get to enjoy the city. And in reality - downtown is only twenty-five minutes away.

The second thing that I realized is that I need to start loving New York like I did before I moved here, and stop hating it for all its faults (which are many). But I still hold to my opinion that Empire State of Mind is the most annoying song of the century. It may have to do with hearing it any time I board a bus, train, boat, subway, or cab - or even walking down the street or go grab something to eat. It makes me want to blow chunks and turn into a raving maniac.

Sidetracked - sorry. So, I've realized that although it seems most New Yorkers are either cranky, materialistic, angry, evil, or so odd to be beyond my comprehension and my ability to relate to (where was I going with this again?), I have a choice to sink into that hole where everyone else is or choose an experience in New York that is my own. I may choose to not allow the mood or actions of others to determine my experience or mood. How about that for a mantra. I never thought I'd be the type of person that would need to learn this, but alas here I am. I'm not too good for a good lesson to be learned.

I have to mention that this realization came while I was taking a yoga class yesterday evening. Beforehand I took a class called Knockout Sculpt by this instructor. This is completely besides the point (again), but I thought it worth noting that the first time I took his class I lost, not complete mind you, but partial bladder control near then end of the forty-five minute class because it was so difficult.

But back to my story. Knockout Sculpt let out later than scheduled and all the potential Yogis waiting to use the studio were writhing and spinning in their frustration at how impolite and rude it was of the instructor to go over time and not apologize directly to them. One man in particular seemed to want to lead a movement and was attempting to dredge support from his fellow classmates to file a complaint. I noticed in particular the substitute instructor not mentioning a word. And when the students realized he was there to teach, started to complain directly to him. He quickly and smoothly changed the subject and started class. Not wasting a moment on something so inconsequential to the grand scheme of things.

I really appreciated his attitude. He wasn't angry or indignant, but he wasn't self-righteous either. And maybe it is related to the eight hours a day he spends meditating - but he just let it go. I realized I could be the angry man or the man that never even let the anger grab hold of him. At that moment I wanted to be the one who let it pass by without even noticing. I want to be like the guy in my neighborhood with the huge afro and a smile to match who always remembers my dog's name even though I never remember his. I want to be like the lady in my old ward who emanated love and who seemed to have a general conference translator each time she spake - as if she could speak only eternal truths and love (even when talking about chicken salad sandwiches). Even if it is difficult to find roots in such a big city with so many people - it is possible to be happy.

And in relation to my last thought. I realized that I need to stop being disgusted by fashion and commercialism (which New York City if filled with). And that mostly everyone (maybe except the Omish) fall prey to "their" schemes. And it's okay to give into fashion - in moderation. And that if people feel happy and cool because they wear suspenders, cowboy boots, and Yoko Ono sunglasses it's okay. And that maybe, just maybe they can be that invested in how they look and still be happy about life at the same time and are not only dressing that way because they aspire to have the image of a certain stereotype. And maybe now I can enjoy shopping instead of having this internal conflict about what each piece of clothing represents and what the repercussions are by buying it.

I guess in the end I just need to let loose. I mean, a lot has happened since moving to New York. It takes time to adjust, and finding a place to be happy doesn't mean fitting your life within certain social parameters. It seems like my life is completely unconventional at the moment - and I should appreciate the opportunity to have this experience! If I put it succinctly, within one year I quit a management position due to corruption and fraud, I quit my second position due to questionable practices, and was laid off from my third job due to their poor business choices, lack of money, and once again, their questionable practices. I am currently unemployed, not completely devoted to finding a performing dance job any longer (that is another novel for another day) and now I have all this time to explore New York City! I'm determined not to stay home everyday but to explore and enjoy my time here - even if I have to do it without John. And that is it. I'm going to tell myself that it's okay that I'm not gaining more than an experience in New York. An experience in and of itself is enough.

So there. I don't think that was actually directed towards anyone except myself. Hopefully I can stick to these goals and provide for a better New York experience and come to share Billy Joel's state of mind (not Alicia Keys).

MAD tv - Bon Qui Qui at King Burger

2010-09-21T20:41:00.000-06:00

Kurt Vonnegut

2010-08-01T20:09:00.002-06:00

I haven't read anything by Kurt Vonnegut, but I found these quotes while looking at some postcards online. Any suggestions?

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be."
from Mother Night, 1961
Back Reads: Pretend Carefully.

"If you can do no good, at least do no harm." from Slapstick 1976
Back Reads: Here's to doing some good.

"There's only one rule that I know of, babies-- God damn it, you've got to be kind." from God Bless You Mr. Rosewater, 1965
Back Reads: Here's to giving kindness, babies.

Front Reads: "I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center." from Player Piano, 1952
Back Reads: He nodded, "Big, undreamed-of things, the people on the edge see them first."

July 26, 2008

2010-07-25T17:56:00.001-06:00

Worlds apart and wishing it wasn't so

2010-07-03T22:14:00.003-06:00

Some days I feel like John and I are worlds apart.

John's day.

My day.

2010-07-01T22:18:00.002-06:00

Say Hello to the Egyptian version of Sparky!

My parents flew in from SLC on Wednesday morning. It's been a relief to have someone in the house - especially my parents. Sparky loves them and follows them around the house. We saw Eclipse last night and the King Tut exhibit tonight. On the docket for the weekend are the fireworks and the national mall in D.C.! I'm excited but wish that John was with us. It's hard not to think about how I'd like to share each experience with him.

I hope everyone has a happy 4th of July weekend!

Six More Weeks

2010-06-28T19:41:00.005-06:00

Week one down. Dear sweet John, come home. Six more weeks seems unbearably far away. Keep me from whining publicly on our blog. But really, stay in Paris. Keep working hard. Please enjoy yourself. I love you.

I can't wait until you're home.

Paris . . .

2010-06-20T16:59:00.003-06:00

Apparently I have a mule for a puppy. I've just returned home from dropping off John at the airport (thanks Teo). I cried, I sulked, I gave John all my good wishes and kisses - and now I'm dealing with a puppy that knows his enforcer is gone for the next seven weeks. Within the past few minutes he has managed to find a garbage bag, some weird crusty items, a plastic tag, a sock, a pair of slippers, running shoes, some cardboard, a dime, another piece of plastic, and a drinking glass. I've tried interesting him in his usual toys, and have even demeaned myself to the point of talking in non-sensible "nee-neerings" in order to entice his playful nature. But now I'm dealing with a puppy that knows his playmate is gone.

But even worse - I'm dealing with a person who knows her love is gone. How does one handle being away from her husband for so long? I'm strongly attached - if you can't tell. And I'll have to stop myself there to avoid embarrassing myself any further. But really. I truly am a wimp. I have been so sad the past few days, feeling weepy at the slightest provocation. I teared up when he texted me, I teared up when I realized I wouldn't get to see him look at me that way until August, I teared up when I realized it was 7:30 and his flight was taking off, I'm tearing up now because writing this reminds me he won't be here with me . . . until August. And, I have a sunburn and no one to rub aloe on my back for me. And now, all I want to do is look at our wedding albums and watch Stargate Universe to remind me of him. Oh boy - I need to just take a breather. It isn't as if I have two children and I'm sending him off to war. He's going on an all expenses paid trip to Paris and getting the opportunity to improve his French.

So, do I need to end every post? As in end it, because I feel like I'm writing a children's book each time I post and have to end with some real conclusion or moral. Because all I've accomplished in writing this post is express how much of a wimp I am. But then again, I guess I've expressed something that has helped me gauge how strongly I love my husband (as if love is something that can be measured . . . ). What I really wish to do is take the lazy way and end each post when I feel like I've said my thing and leave "the end" hanging at the bottom of the post. So . . . the end.

I Love You Paris

2010-06-20T16:59:00.002-06:00

Birthday Week

2010-06-18T19:09:00.003-06:00

John's Birthday was on June 11th and all activities were done and said in celebration of his birth. It may have been taken advantage of from time to time . . . by me, but in the end we had fun. John is leaving this Sunday for Paris until August, so that was only extra incentive to go out every night and fit a summer worth of activities into one week.

Saturday included a surprise birthday part with friends from the ward.

Fondu . . . yum.

The Staten Island missionaries and friends from the ward. I was a great influence and asked them to lie to John so that he could be surprised.

Can you guess the color theme? Luckily America and France have the same favorite colors.

First time frosting design done in under two minutes, thank you very much.

Classic John. Worth every minute of preparation.

For John's actual Birthday we fulfilled an old promise that we made to one another and flew on over to Birdland (I did not intend that pun). I loved the mint lemonade and the fruit and cheese platter . . . the jazz was pretty decent (even if it was more of an angry jazz).

Gordon Ramsey fan? Hell's Kitchen fans? We are, so we tried our first Gordon Ramsey restaurant called the Maze. It has taken the top of the most expensive dinners list for us yet, but in comparison to his other restaurants . . . quite a deal.

Other special events this week included a night in Chinatown (i.e. frog legs, boba, and pho) and Shake Shack then textile window shopping. It was a good week - but I'd take it all back if I could go to Paris with John :(. And I believe that, my dear friends, will end my re-entry post (to the blogosphere). Albeit a pity sentence. Adieu ma hub.

Newest member of the family

2010-01-26T21:42:00.001-07:00

Meet Spartacus Allen Gough

"Sparky"

Today . .. which really consists of yesterday and early this morning . . .

2010-01-15T00:53:00.005-07:00

New York Experience #2: January 15, 2010

Good things about today:

- got an interview to teach dance for a non-profit!

- secured a place for a dance audition next week! I've already accomplished one of three of my 2010 goals!

- cleaned the kitchen.

Bad things about today:

- man in a track suit attempted to rob our apartment. Good thing the cops

caught him . . . good thing I cleaned the kitchen (for the cops that is).

P.S. We're still happy to be in New York.

P.P.S. My husband is my knight in karate-panted armor.

Three drunk men

2010-01-05T20:05:00.003-07:00

Manhattan experience #1: January 2, 2010

The three drunk men.

Three drunk men

See how they flop!

See how they drop!

They all ran after

The subway train

He slipped into my

Lap without refrain

Did you ever see

Such a ruin as these men?

. . . these

Three drunk men

. . .the last part didn't really work out all that well.

Needless to say, it seems that every trip into Manhattan has provided me with

an interesting experience.

Ahhhhhhhh = the sound of relaxation (or fear/surprise)

2010-01-04T01:18:00.004-07:00

I recently found this video through a fellow blogger and loved it. I can't wait until we can have our own fireplace one day. I may just have to leave this on repeat for the rest of the night. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . .

Planning things that probably won't happen . . .

2010-01-03T22:40:00.003-07:00

I want to have a party with these.

The fruits of fruitlessness

2010-01-03T22:03:00.002-07:00

John and I like to waste hours of our lives on the internet - quite enjoyable really. Thus the fruits of our fruitlessness. Enjoy.

Twilight Years from Tom on Vimeo.

Christmas 2009

2010-01-01T19:10:00.002-07:00

Although away from Utah and our families John and I enjoyed a lovely Christmas building our own traditions. We spent the day in the city and ate some yummy Chinese food. Then came home to attend the Midnight Eucherist across the street at a beautiful cathedral. Although we are LDS we enjoyed spending the evening singing songs that reminded us of Christ and sharing in our love of the season with the people in our community. Afterwards we came home for a La Reveillon - a feast that still keeps on giving to this day - I cooked way too much food. We opened gifts and went to bed at a lovely 4:30 am. Merry Christmas all! Even if it's a week late.

December 2009

2010-01-01T17:06:00.010-07:00

The Christmas Decor

New York City Christmas Trees

A night out on the town. The Museum of Natural History and Lansky's.

Thanksgiving Turkey . . . made a couple weeks after Thanksgiving for the Missionaries.

Christmas Eve Chinese.

Empire State Building Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year filled with consistent blog posts!

New Yorkers

2009-12-19T20:57:00.006-07:00

How did I never notice this? That's one of the questions I've been asking myself a lot lately. Then I realize, hey - at one point I was totally amped to do something about this. What happened?

New York has filled me with wonder the past few months - and in more than one bad way. We've been told that the first few months you will feel as if you are encountering all the bad people and all the bad neighborhoods. And I was determined from the beginning to notice as much good in the city as humanly possible. Yet, within two months I have been witness to insurance fraud, an arrest of man next to me for assault, arrest #2, burglary - the man just exited right past me with an armful of merchandise, the scene of a pregnant woman's suicide, drug deals, mafia meetings, and let's not forget prostitutes.

Many of these incidents have incited within me unnatural behavior. They are the reason why I take the long way home, why I don't enjoy an evening out exploring, why I no longer walks alone, why I quit my job, why I finally took my Grandmother's advice seriously and not make eye contact with strangers, why it's easy to be suspicious of anyone, and why I'm becoming a New Yorker. Yikes. Did you read that last one? New York can be a great place, but let's face it. New Yorkers aren't well known for the politeness. They're notorious for being rude, cold, suspicious, loud, and irritating. And a lot of it has to do with how corrupt this city can be.

All in all, I really don't have anything against New York City. I've run into plenty of kind and generous people. And John and I are happy to be here - because we know the Lord has blessed us to be here and following through on those promptings has brought us a bountiful of blessings.

Was it an answer to Joseph Smith's prayer to the Lord for help that he received the wisdom that all these things will be for his benefit( . . something like that)? Well, my hardships are nothing near that of the Saints or of Joseph Smith. But I do know that the experiences I've had recently have all been for my good - regardless of how disgusting they were.

About a month ago John and I attended an exhibit about sex slavery. Emma Thompson helped promote and put together an exhibit entitled "Journey" to educate on the prevalence of sex slavery as she herself was horrified to find that sex slaves were housed only doors down from her apartment in London. The exhibit is housed in a line of train boxcars. As the viewer progresses through each boxcar a story is told in various forms, from Coraline-esque figurines playing out the life of a poor country girl in Eastern Europe coming to America, to a reflection of your face upon the image of a prostitute's body, to a conceptual piece shaped like a rounded cone, to the recordings of victims of sex trafficking and the users of such services, to the recreation of a sex slave's bedroom/workplace.

John and I innocently wondered into the exhibit as it was near his office on NYU. We had no idea they type of assault on our senses that this exhibit would have on us, particularly the recreation of the bedroom. Before entering you are held in a dark boxcar with what seems like random sounds of trains, cars, . . . different forms of transportation. In the transition between the dark boxcar to the bedroom we saw viewers exit out of the entrance of the next boxcar with a hand over their mouth.

The bedroom itself was soiled with a filthiness that my mind tries to ignore and label ambiguous. The pungent smell brought to mind sex, a cat's spray, and the artificial smell of cheap cherry perfume. Condom wrappers and dirt ridden napkins littered the floor. tThe mmirror was inscribed in lipstick with "help" while a stained bed jolted up and down with an invisible act. As I came to realize that I couldn't progress into the next boxcar in my own timing and must wait to exit an unrationalized sense of fear arised. I recall a survival instinct initiated within me, as ridiculous as it may sound - all I wanted was to run away as quickly as possible.

So, how does this relate to being "for my good"? Well, I first must establish how incredibly naive I can be. It's not as if street smarts are a valuable asset in Utah. Two things that have not helped my ability to recognize a bad situation. Besides the horror and anger I felt after the exhibit, the most distinct impression I left with was the smell that reminded me of it all. And that smell, among other red flags and the prompting to leave immediately are what initiated, once again, my instinct to run. Kidnapping is no joke. And sex slavery is no joke either. It's in Utah, and it most definitely is in New York City. And anyone, anyone can be enslaved - if they happen to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. You don't need to be a poor immigrant that relies on a pimp for a visa and you don't have to be addicted to drugs. I'm so grateful that I am safe and a tad wiser now.

For all my naive buddies out there I have some advice on keeping safe, especially in New York City. Do not go to Chinatown by yourself or even hang around with a group after dark there. Don't haggle with multiple vendors that are housed next to one another when you are alone. When someone asks you to come back later - don't. Be aware of separate businesses that are housed separately but may connect structurally underground. Always be aware of your surroundings and other's behaviour. Take notice of cellar doors - because boogie men do live down there. And most of all . . . most of all - do not follow anyone into a cellar or down a dark alley - especially if he tells you that you are pretty and will give that clinique happy to you for $15. Ughhh . . . don't worry, I've learned my lesson.

Poopies

2009-12-15T22:53:00.002-07:00

I'm pretty set on getting a dog over the next little while. Shiba Inu or Basenji?

Christmas Traditions

2009-12-14T09:52:00.003-07:00

Isn't it beautiful? John and I used to live by temple square and would pass through this place daily. There are so many things that I miss about Utah . . . knowing where to get good food, the snow, the clean streets, and most of all - family! John and I are truly disheartened that we will not be making it back home for the Christmas season. I was beyond ready to get myself some home-cooking and some fresca/egg-nog mix. Yet, I'm determined to not let it keep us down, and see this time as an opportunity to create new traditions. Although we still may be in mourning - seeing as how we haven't started talking about what we will do for Christmas, I've decided to start throwing some ideas around as to what traditions would be nice to start this year. Just recently I was reading about different Christmas traditions around Europe in Saveur (amazing magazine by the way) as well as the many different ways to cure ham! In France it is tradition to have a midnight meal called Le Reveillon (awakening) with a first course of fresh oysters on the half shell! Yum. In Switzerland it is tradition to bake a bounty of pastries! I'm still putting some ideas together - but input is definitely appreciated!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-06T20:36:00.002-07:00

Tis the season to be merry - especially for us. John and I have been blessed to have the opportunity to associate ourselves with others that try their best to keep Christ at the center of their lives and follow His example. So many ward members have demonstrated through their service to us that they are truly doing their best to be disciples of Christ. And after watching the First Presidency Christmas Devotional I feel even more impressed and excited to live a life as fully devoted and focused on Christ as I possibly can. The Mormon Tabernacle sang Handel's "Unto Us a Child is Given" beautifully. I think it may be in the top three of my favorite Christmas songs. Check out the devotional here. Merry Christmas.

2009-10-18T01:18:00.002-06:00

The police pulled over the bus I was on for more than a half an hour. The man sitting next to me on the bus was placed in handcuffs for being suspected of beating a woman.

Night on the town

2009-10-18T01:08:00.001-06:00

I don't know why, but I have an absolute disgust for Velveeta and yet I love cheese whiz.

Tonight consisted of me driving around Staten Island in a mustang finding hills and curves to drive on while downing cheese whiz straight from the can whilst listening to empowered girl rock and feel good hits from the 90s. I had a lot of fun.... should that be cause for concern?

Working Woman

2009-10-12T19:34:00.002-06:00

Sound the applause. I am a working woman again! I am ecstatic about finding a job, and one that doesn’t require that I stand on a curb or keep cheap China purses in a suitcase - basically anything that doesn’t require I hire a police lookout. I’m grateful for the prayers given on my behalf. I know that prayer is a direct conversation between us and the Lord.

Although I feel hesitant about this position and placing all my eggs in one basket I know that I should be there, for various purposes. Regardless of how long I decide to work there, all I know is that I am no longer interested in being unemployed, even if the month off was nice.

Wish me luck. Either way I feel as if this is a great opportunity and could be a stepping stone to something better in the future. But for now, I’m a working woman again.

Don't judge....

2009-10-05T21:21:00.000-06:00

As ashamed as I am to admit that I routinely check Stephanie Meyer's site.... I can't help but be really excited about The Host being made into a movie!!! I enjoyed The Host far more than the Twilight series because of the content, plot, writing, characters.... et cetera, I think you get the point.

Spinoza 1670

2009-10-02T12:22:00.000-06:00

"Je montre que la parole révélée de Dieu, ce n'est pas un certain nombre des livres, mais une idée simple de la pensée divine telle qu'elle s'est fait connaitre aux Prophètes par révélation: à savior qu'il faut obéir à Dieu de toute son âme, en pratiquant la justice et la charité."

" I show that the reveled word of God, is not a certain number of books, but rather a simple idea of divine thought as it was made known to the Prophets by revelation: that is one must obey God with all his soul, practicing justice and charity."

Job Hunting

2009-09-30T15:48:00.002-06:00

I have sent out eleven applications over the past two days. I'm pretty happy with myself! For a while I was not interested in applying for anything and felt like all my ambition was being sucked out of me and told myself that time would cure any motivation I was lacking. I told myself it was because I was not exactly sure what I wanted to do. But I have decided that sitting at home wondering what to do with my life is a complete waste of time, whereas working at a decent job and wondering what to do with my life while I work is better. John really helped me get back on my feet and was really supportive while I verbally vomited all of my concerns and frustrations about how lost and confused I felt. I still sort of feel woe-is-me but with a little bit more of my old ambition back and much needed confidence endorsed by my husband.

Today I was offered an interview. Although it is the third interview offered to me, I consider it my first "real" offer. The first un-real (?) offer was a great opportunity to work in "my field" but I turned the interview down as I did not know much about the candidate and did not want to support a platform I did not know much about - especially when I would be working within my own community.

The second interview, which I should hear back about this week, was for an internship with a dance company preparing press releases and finding funding. But it is unpaid - so boo to that. It would be a good experience and it is only five hours a week, so I would definitely take it. But I need something that pays. Luckily that is what this job I have an interview for tomorrow does.

I am nervous though as the closest I have ever been to the finance/business industry was when I took international business four years ago where everything I learned was incredibly basic - and I am not even sure I remember anything from it. I also had a personal finance course that I dreaded! It was all so incredibly dry, except for the finance game we played. I did however enjoy my calculus business course and thought that derivatives and integrals were fun. I do not know if this is the right job for me, but I do enjoy research in general - is that odd? I wish I could say what kind of research I enjoy, but in each job that I have had I always enjoyed the part where I searched and gathered information.

I still plan to pursue the dancing thing, but a work/study opportunity that I was excited about has now left my mind completely after a phone call with a truly heinous woman the other day. I should have taken heed as I was told by six of her own employees that she was a woman to be dealt with. If anything I was irritated at how she wasted my time by even calling me to "see if I had any questions" or if I wanted to schedule an interview. She framed her questions and answers in a way so that I would have to beg her for the position. But after to talking to other dancers in the city there are just as good, if not better work/study positions available at other studios. I hope it's true. After that, I do not know where to even begin.

2009-09-27T19:04:00.003-06:00

See the little guy on the left. That's John and he is mine.

I could not have asked for a more supportive husband. And thankfully, he's even more supportive in my moments of indecision.

Blogernator

2009-09-11T10:17:00.003-06:00

I've become obsessed with blogs lately - obviously not my own, but others. And I just found this wonderful blog entitled RIFLE. I love her designs, you can see them here. She also has DIY wedding projects for any of those brides-to-be. It makes me wish John and I could have a second, more relaxed, thoughtful, kitschy kind of wedding. I think I can still utilize some of her projects for a littel get together though! Anyone up for a get together in Staten Isand?

I found out about her blog when reading her lovely tribute to what secrets makes their marriage happy at A CUP OF JO. Enjoy!

On a trashier note, and a word of caution: make sure to be honest about your finances with your mate, because you certainly don't want this to happen:

September 11, 2001

2009-09-11T09:05:00.004-06:00

As I did my morning blog rounds, I eagerly went to Rockstar Diaries to see who had won the shabby apple giveaway. And I found this video instead. More than guilty is how I felt, to say the least.

I feel so much for this man and all those that experienced 9/11. It's hard not to feel overwhelmed by emotion when you hear a survivor's story, especially someone who has survived with and because of their faith in Jesus Christ. I remember I arrived at the school library, early as usual to chat and study before school started and found, that oddly, the t.v. was on - airing the 9/11 attack. An attack. Why? I mean, I know now all the reasons why, but I still can't help but ask why such a mass murdering would ever resolve anything?

I remember the sadness I felt that morning. Surprised also, at the strong sympathy I felt for people I didn't know and the surge of patriotism for my country. My country. For me, it was the first time we were a unit, a country, a nation.

My thoughts today are with those that survived and died in the towers, not those that attacked. This day is not for them. I mourn for those who have endured loss and pain, and I truly celebrate everyone that survived.

New York home

2009-09-08T18:43:00.004-06:00

Well, we made it New York - but not without hitting a few birds along the way. I'm not quite sure why, but birds are always attracted to the car, truck, or moving van that we drive. Regardless we're here, happy, and safe. Albeit a little homesick for family. Below are a couple of photos of our new place.

Our messing living room with the yellow couch that will sadly have to go out on the curb this trash Friday.

The study area that we stuck in a corner of the apartment, but as I like to call it, the study-hall (hahah - I'm so clever).

More photos to come of a cleaner more organized apartment. I say that to motivate myself into cleaning instead of lounging around all day in my pajamas job hunting on craigslist.

Utah

2009-08-11T16:55:00.004-06:00

Time moves incredibly fast, relatively speaking.

And as we prepare to move I can't help but recognize all the things that I love about Utah. I had wanted to blog daily, up until the move, regarding what I was going to miss. But, obviously, blogging isn't much of priority for me or John. But I realized I should try at least to name a few things.

I've taught dance for six years now, off and on depending on whether I'm dancing full-time. But it's definitely been one of the most rewarding jobs I've ever had. Danc-ing has always been a passion of mine, sadly even an obsession some days. But the reward of teaching, although not instant every class session, is most definitely rewarding over time. I care deeply about whether or not my dancers improve, whether or not they develop as artists, and whether or not they find enjoyment in dance. For the first time this year I taught a pre-ballet course and a teen ballet course. I learned a lot about teaching and was lucky enough to see them improve. I'm just happy that I've found another outlet for my love of dance. The Utah dance scene has given and taught me so much. I thought that I would eventually grow out of my love for dance, but it only has been expanded by teaching. I will most definitely miss my fellow dancers.

I also fully plan on missing Pleasant Valley, the dessert, and the beautiful landscape of Utah. I haven't exactly pinpointed where my emerging obsession with the beauty of the dessert landscape started, but it may have something to do with moving away from it. With salt flats, dense forests, red dirt, large mountain formations, hot springs, stalactite caves, and flat top ranges all within a four hour drive - Utah provides much to see.

Yesterday, John and I visited an old neighbor of mine. She and her husband used to work as professional gardeners at Red Butte for years. We sat out on her patio and listened to nothing except for the breeze shift through the tall trees - no other sounds. That's what I'll miss. It was like the scene out of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and they are jumping from bamboo tree to bamboo tree. It felt as if my mind did a dive off the 20' board and left me feeling happily dizzy. There's a reason why peace and quiet go together.

That's what I have for now. But I'm sure there will be more to come about Utah and it's greatness.

Isn't it, like, so cute?

2009-08-11T16:44:00.002-06:00

I've generally tried to avoid the type of blogging that becomes more of wish list (even though I enjoy those blogs). But opinions are needed in this realm - even if I'll only get one opinion. John and I are looking for a sleeper sofa for when we have guests in New York. I've been frugal in my search for a decent and comfortable looking choice, but Ikea and Overstock don't seem to do it for me. The proportions on the Ikea sleeper sofa are so odd - and I can't stand the tacky bases. I found this one at Costco.com. It's slightly more expensive than Ikea's verson - but much better all around and the price includes shipping and handling! Please share your opinion before I start to get too attached!

Give me your brave, your tired, your weak . . . .

2009-08-08T10:17:00.002-06:00

New York City . . . here we come! Well I guess it should be more like, Staten Island here we come! That's right, Tompkinsville will be our next locale amoung many to come in the future. Before we were able to secure this place through very kind LDS members our apartment search went a little something like the following:

Tanya searching craigslist in a frenzy for at least an hour every day since the news of John's acceptance to NYU (more than four months ago) and emailing John all the links she can possibly include on her fifteen minute breaks at work;

John, for the past month, calling relentlessly to at least a thousand leads (courtesy of my craigslist obsession) but eventually leading to nowhere;

John and Tanya in a panic - including hot/cold sweats and sleepless nights;

apartments being applied for, over the course of a day, and being snatched away within a few hours.

But all the worry of that long week of panic has paid off thanks to John's immaculate contacting skills and the LDS ward members in Staten Island, as mentioned before, but never-the-less amazing and noteworthy and FANTASTIC. We haven't actually signed any kind of lease so it may sound like I'm getting ahead of myself, but the members we are in contact with own the house and basement apartent in which we will hopefully inhabit, and as far as we can tell have given us priority and haven't even bothered to advertise for the open space. I'll hold off on the apartment description until it's officially on paper and leave with you with a little of the Staten Island charm:

Weather forecast for August 7, 2009

Temperature	81.9 °F
Humidity	30%
Dewpoint	47 °F
Wind	West at5.2 mph
Pressure	30.24 in(Steady)
Conditions	Clear
Visibility	7.0 miles

Oh, and if you can't tell . . . I'm really excited about the prospect of living on Staten Island!

Photo

2009-07-13T12:04:00.002-06:00

John's co-worker needed to beef up his portfolio and asked for our help. We gladly accepted, but sadly we had to do most of the photo-taking at night. His wife Konichiwa and daughter Mia tagged along. It was a blast to have them there!

This isn't the best of the photos taken, but I thought it was hilarious. John attempted to climb onto a transformer and decided instead of getting all the way on top that he would just hold on.