15 August 2008


Well, as already posted, it is official, Tanya and I are married, honeymooned, and back to the ordinary daily grind; only now the daily grind entails waking up in the morning to the most beautiful girl in the world, and coming home to her at night!

Before we entirely re-enter ordinary life, there are a few experiences and lessons that we have both learned and observed, mainly by honeymooning, which need sharing.

Lesson #1: Always Wear Sunscreen

Upon arrival in Mexico, I was excited by the potential for sun, and to finally lose my perma-ultra white farmer's tan. One of the first activities we did in Mexico was to go kayaking and sunbathing...it was excellent; beautiful weather, calm ocean breezes, and beach-front drink service to the sun chairs. In all the excitement I neglected to sunscreen my feet. The next day my feet were a radiant shade of red, which eventually turned to purple, and then a darker red, before peeling: the effects of which I am still dealing with. The sad part is I was wearing a T-shirt and long swim trunks, so I only deepened my farmers tan. Always wear sunscreen.

Lesson #2: Don't be a Fat Drunk Lady on a Boat.

One of the activities supplied by the resort was something touted as a "Sunset Cruise." We thought this sounded nice as it was a boat ride around the bay at sunset. However, upon boarding the boat, we realized that this was little more than a lightly veiled booze-cruise. Upon on of my visits to the "bar" to get a virgin drink, I notice a heavily set woman near the back of the boat rockin' out to the tacky over-used cliche dance songs with a glass of tequila prominently held over her head. The boat ride ended uneventfully, we returned to the pier and filed up to disembark. As luck would have it, Tanya and I ended up right behind this drunken lady and her group. After witnessing several drunken antics and a few hip gyrations, we made our way past the group and got off the boat. The pier consisted of a boardwalk which ran alongside a levy wall with a gap of about 18 inches between boardwalk and wall. As we walked along the pier we suddenly heard a loud Ker-Splunk! followed by a momentary silence interrupted by deep intermittent gasping. Our drunken lady had some how managed to defy all the laws of physics by falling off the pier and slipping her over-sized self between the boardwalk and wall down into the bay. Startled at this seemingly super human accomplishment, Tanya and I stood in awe as this now drenched drunken lady was strainfully hoisted back onto the pier by her three friends. Her reaction was muted at first; fear, shock, and what was akin to a scrawny middle-school boy trying to do a pull up, distracted her drunken brain as she labored to remount. Upon finding herself successfully upright on her own two feet, her drunkenness regained control as her adrenalin ebbed, she laughed, smacked her girlfriend - who, by the way, had only managed to mutter an "are you alright babe?" during the whole ordeal - and again began to teeter down the boardwalk to her hotel. As our week advanced this would prove not to be the last time we would encounter our drunken friend, which brings me to the next lesson.

Lesson #3: Always do a TP Check Upon Exiting the Lavatory.

Another of the activities we did in Mexico was a swim with dolphins. We went to a local water park for the swim and found that many people from our hotel had done the same thing. We proceeded with the group to an orientation area where we were outfitted with life-jackets and shown a brief video. Upon waiting our turns for our life vests, Tanya and I sat down and took in the scenery. Directly in front of us was our drunken friend and her entourage from the previous evening. This time sobered out and looking a little sorry in her brown bikini. Tanya gently nudged me in the side and trying with difficulty not to laugh discreetly motioned to this woman's bum. I glanced over and notice a fairly large piece of TP lodged in a generous crevasse between her butt cheek and leg. Both unable to refrain from laughter, Tanya and I snorted and chuckled unabashedly. One of this unfortunate lady's friends noticed our laughter, but unable to attribute it to anything in her immediate surroundings, brushed it off. As their party was called, they moved towards the pools and this friend fell behind her group enough to get a prime view of the dangling TP. She broke into hysterics, and turning around she pointed at us and said: "this is why that couple was laughing, you have TP stuck to your a$$!" Rather embarrassed, her friend brushed off the TP and hustled on her way to share a pool with some dolphins.

There were many other lessons learned, including; "Sometimes it's Easier to Take a Taxi," "Don't Eat Any Food in Mexico," & "Haggling with Street Vendors is Not Always Worth it." These may, or may not be, expounded in a future posting.


Michemily said...

In a brown bikini. I bet that was cute. Good for contrast for the TP, anyway.