26 November 2011

Something to say . . .

Written in August:

So do you see that side bar with our life plan all neatly displayed?  Our expectations and hopes were pretty average - marry, move to NY for school, move to Paris for research, get a dog, have a kid, buy a house eventually, and retire at a comfortable age.  We also realized how amazing it would be if if it all played out that way.  But I guess life wouldn't be interesting if you didn't get a curve ball every once in a while.  And in fact, this curve ball was a long time coming.  John has decided to resign as a Ph.D. candidate from NYU's French Literature program.

As mentioned, this was something John had contemplated for a long time - more than a year even.  And yet John and I are still in shock over our carefully deliberated change of course.  I look at that sidebar and think of how it was a little smug of me to display our ten year plan so publicly.  I guess I could just chock it up to naivete and the fact that I was excited for what we had in store.

Right now, we're still in the process of figuring out where our next step will be placed.  Without revealing too much, I have to say that it's frightening.  And yet the conditions, the environment, and the timing have all allowed for us to possibly attempt something we may have only dreamed of doing. But to reiterate, the details aren't entirely clear yet.  We have a vague framework outlined in our minds as to how things could possibly work out.  And I'll repeat again - it's scary.

Uncertainty and possible instability are frightening thoughts for someone like John and me - and the next path that we may possibly choose to take seems to incorporate all such attributes.  Although many have tried to dissuade John against what may seem like an aggressive and quick decision - those decisions are based surely upon what we know we want.  And I suppose that surety of desire, combined with prayer, personal revelation, and the right circumstances makes for as much certainty than any other path could provide.  Which has become glaringly obvious to me in the fact that we thought we had our ten year plan figured out and after two years in NY our lives have already totally shifted.  And to add to that - it wasn't forced upon John at all.  Thankfully, John was never asked to resign and even did well in his program - and thankfully left the program on good terms with his fellow colleagues and professors.

I suppose the way I speak of John's resignation makes it seem as if our lives have been totally turned upside down.  But really things are pretty much the same.  I continue to work and we continue to live our lives as we did before.  But what makes it so much more worth it for me is to see how relieved and happy John has been since he has resigned.  I will admit that the night I came home and John told me he was going to resign my world did tilt a little.  I knew his thoughts and feeling already - but such finality made my head spin.  But after a day or two, and time spent in the temple I knew that it was the right choice for John and ultimately our family. 

Two months have passed since that night and things still feel and logistically seem right.  And I'm almost to the point where I'm happy to know that life will be throwing me curve balls.  Instead of taking excitement in what I think I know will happen,  I'm excited to know that when I reach the end of my life I'll have something interesting to say.  Whether we are shrouded in worldly success at the end of this journey doesn't really matter.  What will matter is that when I think about this time of our life I will know that John left his program without any regrets and that his life was altered for the better and happier by resigning.