28 January 2011

In between is the worse place to be

I watched a time lapse video of New York and realized that the water in the Hudson actually flows downstream. Sometimes I forget that everything doesn't stop for the big city of New York. That must seem like a strange thing to write. Especially since New York is known as the city that never sleeps. I know there's a better way of saying this, but sometimes I want to sleep on my own timing. And this city doesn't let you. And sometimes everything seems to be about the people walking down the street, and not you.

It's been bizarre how I've come to realize/accept my general attitude towards living in New York. I promise that I was in denial about the part of me that was sad to live here - for the past year and a half. That's a long time to be in denial. But I wanted to be supportive of John and I didn't want to ruin his experience here with my home-sickness. Finally though, I allowed myself to be sad about not having family and friends around everyday. I miss a lot of things about Utah. I stopped everything to come here. My job, job opportunities, connections, networks, comforts were all left. I left without giving a second thought because it was for our family and it was what felt right. And now, I'm more grateful for what I had. And I know better how to value those things that I have now.

Yet I'm adamant that moving here was the best thing for us and I hope I'm proven right over time. I don't want to let the annoying things about this place depress me. I don't want to dwell on the bad. I want to allow myself to have the energy to move past those things and do something worth remembering while I'm here. It's scary to write that. It's scary because it's not like I didn't try before - it just felt so lackluster and wrong (because technically and lawfully it was). It was a wake up call to say the least. I had no direction whatsoever, and I didn't know what direction I really wanted to take. I guess, without a goal I'm useless.

Over the past year, the pieces have slowly come together for me in the "what do I do with my life" realm. I'm slowly but surely making baby-steps toward this goal. I don't ever remember being this cautious. My goal since about the age of 5 was to be a professional dancer. Just like thousands of other little girls, I'm sure. I remember sitting in my room on the floor playing with my toys when my Mom asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a ballerina. And a thought (the first negative vocalized thought I remember) came to mind. It said something like this, "you can't be a ballerina when you grow up; it will be too hard for you". And because it is my nature, I decided to pursue my dream with reckless abandonment. And it worked pretty well. I pushed many things to the side to pursue this goal. I received special studio scholarships, encouragement from professors at the University of Utah who I didn't know had been watching me in class, a place in a secondary company in Utah, and offered a contract to perform ballet on the high seas when I was 22. I overcame many obstacles, and gave up a lot to pursue my dreams. Although I knew I wasn't cut out for the NYCB or even Ballet West, my goal of being a professional dancer was met with the help of my Heavenly Father.

Yet, it wasn't a victory that would define the tone of the rest of my life, like I thought it would. And that's what I've come to terms with during the time I've been here. It's been confusing and difficult for me - my own personal limbo. I now have something to work for, and I'm taking it easy just to be sure that it's for real (is this real life?). I don't want to go full force if this is a fleeting desire of mine. I don't think it is though, so I guess it's all or nothing. I don't know if I can go into something with a kind of in between attitude. That just doesn't work in general in my mind, it doesn't compute. There would be too many questions left behind if I didn't try. The only thing stopping me is my hesitancy and fear that I won't like it. That's not a good enough reason though, right? See and find out, right?


Michemily said...

I say all. I hate my mediocrity, so I hope you outshine me. I've been in denial about a lot of things as well and I still am. The funny thing is that I don't even feel like working on those things. Oh well.